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Trump Launches Worldwide Peace Crusade to Heroically Distract from His Administration’s Failure to Release the Epstein Files

In a stunning act of global magnanimity — and impeccable timing — former President Donald J. Trump has announced a world peace crusade, claiming he will “bring harmony to Gaza, calm to India, and tremendous tranquility everywhere else,” just days after critics reminded the nation that his administration never released the Epstein files like it promised.

“People are talking about Epstein,” Trump told a cheering crowd in Florida, “but I’m talking about peace. Big, beautiful peace. Nobody’s ever done peace like me. It’s the best peace — people say that.”

A Mission from (and for) Himself

The “Trump World Peace Tour,” already trending on Truth Social as #NobelOrNothing, will include a series of handshakes, golf outings, and impromptu campaign rallies disguised as diplomatic summits. The goal, according to insiders, is “to distract the media just long enough for everyone to forget which administration had four years to declassify those Epstein documents and didn’t.”

“He’s a genius at misdirection,” said one former aide. “Every time someone brings up the Epstein files, he just announces peace in a new country. If the heat gets worse, I fully expect him to claim he’s negotiating peace between cats and dogs.”

Peace by Photo Op

Trump began his tour by declaring “instant peace” in Gaza — a bold move achieved primarily by signing a napkin labeled “The Best Deal Ever.” He then moved on to India, where he offered to settle sectarian tensions with “a really classy Trump Tower between the two sides — equal access, tremendous food court.”

When reporters asked whether these efforts were sincere or a distraction, Trump replied, “Of course they’re sincere! I’m bringing peace. The fake news wants to talk about Epstein, but I’m out here saving the world. Frankly, I think I deserve another term — and maybe a crown, but a democratic crown, the best kind.”

Meanwhile, About Those Files…

Historians have noted that Trump’s Justice Department had the authority to unseal Epstein’s records but never did. “That’s old news,” said Trump at a rally. “My administration did everything perfectly. We had the best transparency — very transparent, some people said too transparent. But we couldn’t release those files because… of national security, or maybe global peace. Which I’m now doing, by the way.”

Financing Peace (and the Ratings)

The peace crusade is expected to be funded by a combination of campaign donations, ticket sales, and “spontaneous love offerings” from wealthy allies. Plans for a “Peace Gala” at Mar-a-Lago include a silent auction featuring autographed golf balls, half-eaten Big Macs, and framed redacted pages from the Epstein files themselves, marketed as “limited-edition collectibles.”

Coming Soon to Truth Social

Trump’s media team has reportedly begun filming a documentary titled “The Art of the Peace Deal: How One Man Stopped Wars and Dodged Questions.” Insiders say it will feature cameos from Tucker Carlson, Kid Rock, and a special segment called “The Epstein Files: Coming Soon (Maybe).”

When asked if the Epstein documents would ever be released, Trump smiled and said, “Absolutely. As soon as the world is peaceful. And folks, at the rate I’m going, that’ll be any century now.”

In the meantime, peace talks continue — right alongside the world’s most determined attempt at selective amnesia.

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