Skip to main content

BREAKING: President Trump Orders FBI to Re-Investigate 2020 Election, DOJ Announces “Historic Discovery” That Trump Won (Again, Somehow)

 WASHINGTON — Declaring that “four years is more than enough time for the truth to finish loading,” President Donald Trump ordered the Federal Bureau of Investigation to launch a very serious, extremely fair, definitely not pre-decided investigation into the 2020 election.

Within hours — a pace experts described as “faster than most pizza deliveries” — the United States Department of Justice released a 400-page report concluding that Trump had, in fact, won the election “by a landslide, maybe two landslides stacked on top of each other.”

“We Followed the Evidence… Which Coincidentally All Pointed to Trump”

At a press conference held directly in front of a large banner reading MISSION ACCOMPLISHED (ELECTION EDITION), officials explained their investigative process.

“We looked very carefully at the ballots, the machines, the vibes, and several Truth Social posts,” said one DOJ spokesperson. “After reviewing a folder labeled ‘Definitely Proof — Trust Me,’ we concluded President Trump won in 2020, won again in 2024 just to be safe, and probably won the 2016 popular vote too.”

When asked how the investigation was completed in under six hours, the spokesperson replied, “Efficiency. Also the conclusion was written before lunch.”

FBI Agents Reportedly Confused but Extremely Busy Nodding

Sources inside the FBI confirmed agents were instructed to:

  • Recount ballots that no longer exist

  • Interview “a guy on Facebook who knows things”

  • Review footage of clouds that looked suspiciously like ballots

One agent, speaking anonymously, said:

“I joined the Bureau to stop crime, not to time travel into political fan fiction.”

Trump Celebrates With Victory Tour of His Own Press Conference

Trump emerged shortly after the DOJ announcement to congratulate himself.

“Everyone said it couldn’t be done — the fake news, the radicals, the math — but we proved once and for all that I won. Very legally. Very beautifully,” he said. “In fact, we’re looking into declaring me the winner of a few Super Bowls too.”

He then hinted at further investigations, including:

  • The 1960 Kennedy-Nixon election

  • The invention of mail-in voting

  • Why more people didn’t clap harder at his rallies

New DOJ Standard: “Whoever Asks Loudest Wins”

Legal scholars expressed concern that elections may now be decided using a groundbreaking new doctrine known as Confidence-Based Democracy™.

“If you insist long enough, ignore courts long enough, and appoint enough loyalists, eventually reality just gets tired,” explained one constitutional expert. “It’s a bold new era for facts.”

Americans Relieved to Finally Have “Closure,” Deeply Unclear What That Means

Supporters celebrated in the streets, waving banners that read:

  • STOP THE COUNT (UNLESS TRUMP IS BEHIND)

  • RECOUNT FOREVER

  • REALITY IS A SUGGESTION

Meanwhile, election officials quietly updated future ballots to include a new checkbox:

☐ Trump
☐ Whoever Trump Says Won

DOJ Announces Future Investigations Already Completed

The Department of Justice helpfully released a preview of upcoming findings:

  • 2028 election winner: Trump

  • Any election Trump loses: Fraud

  • Any election Trump wins: Historic mandate

At press time, Trump announced he is considering appointing himself Head of Elections, Chief Justice, and Time Traveler “just to be efficient.”

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Trump Says Ukraine War Caused by Stolen 2020 Election; Ends Conflict Instantly with Confidence

At a joint press conference this week with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy , U.S. President Donald Trump unveiled a sweeping new theory of international relations, asserting that the Russian invasion of Ukraine would never have occurred if the 2020 U.S. presidential election had not been “stolen from him personally.” “This war,” Trump said, gesturing broadly toward Eastern Europe, “is really about me. Everybody knows it. If I were president, this would not have happened. Putin would have been too scared. Tremendously scared.” Standing beside him, Zelensky maintained a diplomatic expression usually reserved for situations involving translation errors or mild food poisoning. Trump continued, explaining that Russia’s invasion of Ukraine was not the result of decades of post-Cold War tension, NATO expansion debates, or Russian imperial ambition, but rather a direct consequence of Trump not being in the White House at the time. “Putin respects strength,” Trump said. “And by streng...
Post a Comment
Read more

Trump’s Prime-Time Address Assures Americans the Economy Is Perfect—Suggests They’re Just Too Stupid to Notice

In an unexpected return to prime-time television, President Donald J. Trump delivered a 28-minute national address Wednesday night designed, according to his staff, to “clear up confusion about the economy.” The resulting speech instead raised questions about whether he had accidentally wandered onto the soundstage during a pharmaceutical infomercial. “Ladies and gentlemen, the American economy is the strongest, the bigliest, the most incredible it has ever been,” Trump announced, gripping the lectern as if it had personally wronged him. “If you can’t see that, well… maybe you’re just not very smart. Not everyone can be smart. I’m very smart. But most of you, frankly? Not so much.” Economic experts, who had spent the previous week offering cautious optimism mixed with concern about rising costs, were surprised to learn that the entire issue was simply a matter of insufficient national intelligence. “Normally we talk about inflation, interest rates, employment trends,” said economist Da...
Post a Comment
Read more

Nation Excited to Experience All the Thrill of Getting a Passport — Every Two Years — Just to Vote

WASHINGTON — In a stunning development for lovers of paperwork everywhere, lawmakers have unveiled the SAFE Act, a bold new initiative promising to bring the full sensory experience of passport acquisition directly to your local election cycle. Supporters say the bill will ensure “secure, confident elections,” while critics have pointed out it also ensures that Americans can relive the magic of government-issued identity documentation roughly as often as they replace their toothbrush. Democracy, Now With Waiting Rooms Under the proposal, voters would present newly verified identification documentation — potentially requiring updated proof of citizenship — before casting a ballot. “People love passports,” said one enthusiastic policy backer. “The lines. The forms. The gentle existential dread while wondering if your birth certificate has the right font. Why should international travel have all the fun?” Experts estimate the average American could now enjoy: Searching for their origina...
Post a Comment
Read more