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BREAKING: President Trump Orders FBI to Re-Investigate 2020 Election, DOJ Announces “Historic Discovery” That Trump Won (Again, Somehow)

 WASHINGTON — Declaring that “four years is more than enough time for the truth to finish loading,” President Donald Trump ordered the Federal Bureau of Investigation to launch a very serious, extremely fair, definitely not pre-decided investigation into the 2020 election.

Within hours — a pace experts described as “faster than most pizza deliveries” — the United States Department of Justice released a 400-page report concluding that Trump had, in fact, won the election “by a landslide, maybe two landslides stacked on top of each other.”

“We Followed the Evidence… Which Coincidentally All Pointed to Trump”

At a press conference held directly in front of a large banner reading MISSION ACCOMPLISHED (ELECTION EDITION), officials explained their investigative process.

“We looked very carefully at the ballots, the machines, the vibes, and several Truth Social posts,” said one DOJ spokesperson. “After reviewing a folder labeled ‘Definitely Proof — Trust Me,’ we concluded President Trump won in 2020, won again in 2024 just to be safe, and probably won the 2016 popular vote too.”

When asked how the investigation was completed in under six hours, the spokesperson replied, “Efficiency. Also the conclusion was written before lunch.”

FBI Agents Reportedly Confused but Extremely Busy Nodding

Sources inside the FBI confirmed agents were instructed to:

  • Recount ballots that no longer exist

  • Interview “a guy on Facebook who knows things”

  • Review footage of clouds that looked suspiciously like ballots

One agent, speaking anonymously, said:

“I joined the Bureau to stop crime, not to time travel into political fan fiction.”

Trump Celebrates With Victory Tour of His Own Press Conference

Trump emerged shortly after the DOJ announcement to congratulate himself.

“Everyone said it couldn’t be done — the fake news, the radicals, the math — but we proved once and for all that I won. Very legally. Very beautifully,” he said. “In fact, we’re looking into declaring me the winner of a few Super Bowls too.”

He then hinted at further investigations, including:

  • The 1960 Kennedy-Nixon election

  • The invention of mail-in voting

  • Why more people didn’t clap harder at his rallies

New DOJ Standard: “Whoever Asks Loudest Wins”

Legal scholars expressed concern that elections may now be decided using a groundbreaking new doctrine known as Confidence-Based Democracy™.

“If you insist long enough, ignore courts long enough, and appoint enough loyalists, eventually reality just gets tired,” explained one constitutional expert. “It’s a bold new era for facts.”

Americans Relieved to Finally Have “Closure,” Deeply Unclear What That Means

Supporters celebrated in the streets, waving banners that read:

  • STOP THE COUNT (UNLESS TRUMP IS BEHIND)

  • RECOUNT FOREVER

  • REALITY IS A SUGGESTION

Meanwhile, election officials quietly updated future ballots to include a new checkbox:

☐ Trump
☐ Whoever Trump Says Won

DOJ Announces Future Investigations Already Completed

The Department of Justice helpfully released a preview of upcoming findings:

  • 2028 election winner: Trump

  • Any election Trump loses: Fraud

  • Any election Trump wins: Historic mandate

At press time, Trump announced he is considering appointing himself Head of Elections, Chief Justice, and Time Traveler “just to be efficient.”

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