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NOW HIRING: FEDERAL ENFORCEMENT OFFICERS (EMOTIONAL RESTRAINT OPTIONAL)

Do you enjoy authority more than accountability?
Do you believe “public servant” means the public serves you?

Then boy do we have a career for you.

At the Department of Extremely Serious Border Stuff™ we’re looking for bold, aggressive go-getters who thrive in chaos, hate nuance, and prefer problems solved with “presence” rather than paperwork.

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES INCLUDE:

• Showing up to peaceful situations with the energy of a medieval siege
• Treating clipboards like optional accessories
• Confusing “crowd control” with “personal stress relief”
• Escalating minor encounters into national headlines
• Practicing selective constitutional awareness
• Using phrases like “for your safety” while everyone runs
• Declaring everything a “lawful order” — especially when it isn’t

PERKS & BENEFITS:

✅ Government-issued sunglasses for dramatic intimidation pauses
✅ Endless overtime during moments of national tension
✅ Immunity-flavored optimism
✅ The thrill of acting first and reviewing policy later
✅ Being thanked by people who weren’t there
✅ Actually being able to use your government-issued firearms


IDEAL CANDIDATE:

• Thinks de-escalation is what you do to a video game boss
• Considers accountability a “political attack”
• Believes uniforms equal moral authority
• Has strong feelings about windows, doors, and public space
• Is comfortable with phrases like “I feared for my safety”
• Can write incident reports creatively

BONUS SKILLS (NOT REQUIRED):

• Ability to look shocked when body cams are mentioned
• Experience turning community outreach into crowd dispersal
• Talent for appearing in press conferences with crossed arms

WHY JOIN US?

Because where else can you:

• Turn a tense moment into a viral clip
• Call it “keeping the peace” afterward
• And still clock out with benefits?

If you love power, hate criticism, and think empathy is a security risk — we want YOU.

Apply today. Accountability not guaranteed.

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