Truthliness News

  Washington, D.C. — In what experts are calling “a bold yet completely nonsensical strategy” , the Trump administration has launched massive ICE raids targeting so-called sanctuary cities—far away from the U.S.-Mexico border—while avoiding border states where most undocumented immigrants actually live. When asked why ICE was sweeping through New York, Chicago, and San Francisco instead of Texas, Arizona, or California’s agricultural belt , Vice President J.D. Vance confidently explained: “Look, if we sent ICE to the actual border, they might scare off the people who do the important work—like building golf resorts, cleaning hotels, and picking the strawberries that make America great. ” Sanctuary Cities: The Real Villains Trump himself defended the decision, insisting that sanctuary cities are far more dangerous than actual illegal crossings. “Sanctuary cities, very bad, very bad folks. These places? Total disasters. They don’t let our beautiful ICE agents do their job,”...

  Washington, D.C. — In a diplomatic move that is being hailed as “the greatest security deal in history” (at least by the people who signed it), President Donald J. Trump has announced a groundbreaking agreement with Ukraine—one that grants U.S. companies exclusive rights to mine critical minerals in exchange for what his administration insists is “better than NATO protection.” Standing next to Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy at a press conference, Trump beamed with pride. “This is a tremendous deal, folks. A perfect deal. You know, NATO? Overrated. We don’t need all these tiny countries sending, what, 200 troops and a donkey? Instead, we’ve made Ukraine really safe —because now we have an economic interest. And you better believe, America protects its investments. ” Vice President Vance: “This Is More Secure Than NATO Peacekeepers” Vice President J.D. Vance, who had been tasked with leading the negotiations (after rejecting the chance to actually visit Ukraine be...

  Austin, TX — In yet another bold attempt to redefine economics, welfare, and basic reality itself , Elon Musk has announced that his long-awaited DOGE Dividend program will only be available to Americans earning at least $1 million per year —because, as he puts it, “they’re the only ones who actually matter.” The plan, which Musk unveiled during an impromptu midnight livestream on X (formerly Twitter), aims to reward America’s wealthiest citizens by giving them large, government-backed Dogecoin checks , ensuring that the richest Americans remain slightly richer while everyone else continues their lifelong tradition of not owning a house. “Look, let’s be real,” Musk said while sipping from a Tesla-branded chalice. “Poor people don’t drive the economy. Millionaires do. If we’re gonna give out free money, let’s give it to the winners —the people who innovate, who invest, who already own a fleet of Cybertrucks.” The Genius of Trickle-Up Economics Musk’s plan is based on a sim...

  Washington, D.C. — In a recent Oval Office meeting that quickly devolved into a lecture on the art of gratitude, Vice President J.D. Vance chastised Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy for what he perceived as a lack of appreciation toward the United States. ​ "​ Listen, Volodymyr, we've sent billions in aid, provided weapons, and even let you address Congress in your signature olive drab, " Vance reportedly began, his tone reminiscent of a disappointed parent. "​Most importantly, we have negotiated the surrender of Ukraine with Russia.   Yet, where's the heartfelt 'thank you' note? "​ Zelenskyy, taken aback, responded, " ​ Mr. Vice President, I have expressed my gratitude on numerous occasions. "​ Unfazed, Vance leaned in, lowering his voice to a conspiratorial whisper. "​ Volodymyr, let me share a little secret. Do you think Putin would respect us if we didn't constantly thank him for allowing us to run America? ...

  Washington, D.C. — In his latest bid to mold corporate America into his personal fan club, President Donald J. Trump has announced a 200% tax on Apple for refusing to abandon Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion (DEI) programs. But the crackdown doesn’t stop there—he’s also threatening to deport Costco members if the warehouse giant doesn’t fall in line. “DEI is a disaster, folks— a total disaster! ” Trump declared during a surprise press conference held outside a Mar-a-Lago golf cart charging station. “Apple, they don’t get it. They want diversity? Fine. I’ll give them diversity— diversely high taxes! Tim Cook, you’re gonna learn real fast that it’s MAGA or nothing! ” Apple: “This Is Insane” Apple executives, already reeling from supply chain issues and lawsuits, were reportedly blindsided by the tax, which would triple the cost of iPhones overnight. “We were already selling $1,500 phones, and now they want us to charge $4,500?!” a panicked Apple spokesperson said, frantical...

  Washington, D.C. — In a move that has left environmentalists and automotive enthusiasts scratching their heads, President Donald J. Trump recently showcased Tesla vehicles on the White House lawn, expressing admiration for Elon Musk's electric car company. However, behind the scenes, Trump is reportedly in talks with coal industry lobbyists to retrofit the presidential limousine, affectionately known as "The Beast," into a coal-powered behemoth. ​ Electrifying Support for Tesla During a recent event, President Trump was photographed holding notes detailing Tesla's vehicle prices, including the Model S and Cybertruck, both priced at $80,000. He praised Musk's dedication and the quality of Tesla's products, stating his intention to purchase a Tesla for himself and his granddaughter. ​ "​ Elon is doing a fantastic job with Tesla. These cars are top-notch, and I'm considering getting one myself, " Trump remarked, despite his historical skep...

  Washington, D.C. — In what may be the most unexpected political twist of the century, President Donald J. Trump has inadvertently realized one of Joe Biden’s key campaign promises—eliminating the nation’s $1.6 trillion in student loan debt. How? By firing so many Department of Education employees that there’s simply no one left to collect it. “It’s called strategic downsizing, folks,” Trump proudly announced during a press conference from Mar-a-Lago, where he was golfing while defunding public education. “I’ve been saying for years, the government is too big! So I said, let’s start with the worst part—the Department of Education. Nobody likes it! Useless! And guess what? When there’s no one left to collect student loans, boom—debt gone! You’re welcome, college kids!” A Brilliant Oversight—or Just No Oversight? Trump’s decision to reduce the Department of Education to a single intern with a Hotmail account was initially part of his larger plan to “return education to the st...

  Mar-a-Lago, FL — In a move that has left both political analysts and late-night comedians scrambling for words, President Donald J. Trump has reportedly reached out to SpaceX CEO Elon Musk with an urgent request: a one-way ticket to Mars for himself, Senator J.D. Vance, and select members of his cabinet. The mission? To establish a "truly American government" on the Red Planet, far from the looming threat of World War III. ​ "​ Look, folks, the Earth is going to hell in a handbasket—terrible, just terrible," Trump allegedly remarked during a closed-door meeting. "​ But Mars? Mars is tremendous. No Democrats, no fake news, just red dirt and opportunity. We're going to build something incredible there, believe me. "​ Operation Red Planet: Making Mars Great Dubbed "Operation Red Planet," the initiative aims to transplant the essence of American democracy—complete with fast-food chains and reality TV—onto Martian soil. Sources close to the...

  Washington, D.C. — In a bold economic strategy that only the very best minds could conceive, President Donald J. Trump has vowed to return the U.S. to a full-blown recession—insisting it’s the only way to stop Crooked Joe Biden from taking credit for another recovery. “We did it once, folks, and it was beautiful,” Trump told a roaring crowd at a rally in Ohio. “I handed Biden a total economic disaster—historic, some say the best recession we’ve ever had. And what does Sleepy Joe do? He screws it up by fixing it! We can’t let that happen again.” A Masterclass in Economic Sabotage Historians and economists are still in awe of Trump’s first-term exit strategy, which plunged the country into a self-inflicted economic collapse, setting the perfect trap for Biden. “It was genius, really,” said Dr. Marty Downtick, an economist at the Institute for Political Malpractice. “Trump’s policies tanked the stock market, unemployment soared, and the GDP shriveled like a Trump steak left o...

  Austin, TX — In a revelation that has shocked the world (but somehow not really), new reports indicate that billionaire entrepreneur Elon Musk may have fathered over 150 undocumented children, many of whom are now reportedly receiving government assistance. Musk, known for his ambition to colonize Mars and revolutionize transportation, appears to have also taken on an unexpected side project—single-handedly repopulating Earth.  "The More, The Merrier" – Musk’s Reproductive Strategy Musk, who has long advocated for increasing global birth rates, has never been shy about his procreation philosophy. “If we don’t make more humans, civilization will collapse,” he tweeted last year. But what he failed to mention is that he was personally leading the effort. According to whistleblowers within Musk’s orbit (and, possibly, SpaceX), there could be at least 150 undocumented children, with estimates climbing higher. Many of these children allegedly remain unclaimed—except by the welf...