Truthliness News

Some people fantasize about winning the lottery. Others daydream about quitting their job and moving to a cabin in the woods. Conservative Twitter personalities, however, are busy praying to the algorithm for the day a trans person commits a mass shooting in the “perfect” setting: a Catholic school, during Mass, in front of Fox News cameras. In what they describe as “the Super Bowl of culture war talking points,” pundits imagine logging on to their feeds and finally getting the content they crave. “Do you know how many retweets I could farm from that?” one anonymous influencer was overheard saying, eyes glazed, hands trembling over the caps-lock key. “I’d finally be verified again!” Experts note that fewer than one-tenth of one percent of mass shooters are transgender, but such pesky math doesn’t fit the dream. In this imagined scenario, Twitter conservatives get everything they’ve ever wanted: a headline tailor-made to fuel 72 consecutive hours of rage-tweeting, Fox News segments, and...

In the latest installment of “Things That Don’t Add Up, but Get Retweeted Anyway,” conservative Twitter personalities have once again declared that transgender people are the root cause of America’s mass shootings, potholes, inflation, and the fact that McDonald’s ice cream machines never work. This, despite a pesky little statistic: fewer than one-tenth of one percent of mass shooters are transgender. That’s right—less than the odds of being struck by lightning while simultaneously holding a winning lottery ticket . But statistics are boring, and boring doesn’t go viral. Instead, conservative influencers have decided that reality itself is a left-wing conspiracy. “If 99.9% of shooters aren’t trans, then obviously the media is covering for them,” tweeted one blue-check pundit whose profile picture is a bald eagle wearing Oakleys. “Do the math, people!” (Math, notably, has not been returning their calls.) Another commentator insisted, “Even if there’s only one trans shooter in the his...

 Washington, D.C. — President Donald J. Trump, America’s self-proclaimed “most patriotic man who’s ever lived,” has once again dazzled his followers by draping himself in the American flag like a sequined Vegas cape—while simultaneously signing another executive order that body-slams the U.S. Constitution into the nearest dumpster. Trump, whose political philosophy can best be described as “Stars, Stripes, and Sharpies,” apparently believes the flag is not a symbol of a nation governed by laws but rather a decorative poncho he can wear while declaring himself Supreme Arbiter of All Things American. “Look, nobody loves the Constitution more than me,” Trump said yesterday while straddling a life-size bald eagle statue and waving the flag like a rodeo clown on caffeine. “But the Constitution, frankly, is very overrated. Too many words, not enough pictures. The flag, though—beautiful flag—it’s like a big red, white, and blue hug from George Washington himself. That’s what America’s a...

  In the latest zoological discovery, scientists have confirmed that MAGA supporters and their leader Donald J. Trump share a striking similarity with ostriches: whenever confronted with uncomfortable facts, they immediately bury their heads in the sand. The key difference, experts note, is that ostriches eventually come up for air, while MAGA voters are still waiting for Hillary’s emails to be released by WikiLeaks. At a rally in Florida, Trump proudly declared, “Ostriches are very smart, very strong birds. People don’t know this, but they’re saying ‘Sir, you’re just like an ostrich, you see fake news and you bury, bury, bury.’ And I do it better than anyone. Tremendous bird, really classy.” The Ostrich Strategy When confronted with reports that contradict their worldview—such as unemployment numbers, climate science, or Trump’s golf scores—MAGA ostriches engage in a synchronized head-burying maneuver. Within seconds, they retreat underground, emerging only when Newsmax or OAN con...

In a dramatic Oval Office announcement this morning, President Donald J. Trump declared a full-scale War on Higher Education after learning the shocking news that college graduates tend to vote more liberal. “I just found out something very disturbing,” Trump said, waving a half-empty Diet Coke can for emphasis. “The more college you go to, the less you like me. That’s called discrimination, folks. Discrimination against Trump. Very unfair.” The Advisor’s Revelation According to insiders, Trump first became aware of the so-called “education gap” during a briefing on polling data. When he demanded an explanation, one of his top advisors—who proudly notes he “never wasted time in one of those Marxist book factories”—offered a simple theory: “They brainwash you in college, Mr. President. It’s all Marx, Marx, Marx. You read a couple books and suddenly you think billionaires shouldn’t get tax cuts? That’s permanent brain damage right there.” Trump reportedly gasped, muttering, “So coll...

In what he described as “the greatest humanitarian mission since Jesus handed out free loaves and fishes,” President Donald J. Trump officially launched his War on Homelessness this week, a sweeping campaign to “clean up the streets, beautify America, and make the cities great again by moving the homeless somewhere very far away—nobody knows where, but it’s tremendous.” Trump unveiled his plan in front of a freshly power-washed tent encampment that mysteriously disappeared the night before. Flanked by cheering MAGA supporters waving “Make Sidewalks Clean Again” hats, Trump declared: “We love the homeless, we really do, but not in front of my hotels. We’re relocating them to luxury camps—beautiful camps, the best camps—where they’ll be tremendously productive, maybe making Trump-branded sleeping bags. Everybody wins.” The Strategy The War on Homelessness is modeled after Trump’s favorite military playbook: lots of tough talk, flashy parades, and no clear strategy beyond “round them ...

Palm Beach, FL — In what many are calling the most predictable plot twist since The Apprentice Season 2, President Donald J. Trump has reportedly filed for divorce from his wife, Melania, after she dared to suggest he might be—brace yourself—slightly overweight. The incident allegedly began during a casual dinner at Mar-a-Lago, when Melania, while passing the butter, quipped, “Maybe no seconds tonight.” Sources say Trump’s fork froze mid-air, his face turned the same shade as a well-done steak, and he immediately shouted, “You’re FIRED!” before realizing divorce papers would be needed instead. “He treats marriage the same way he treats his Cabinet,” one insider explained. “If you deliver numbers he doesn’t like—poll numbers, job numbers, or bathroom scale numbers—you’re out.” Staffers say this is part of a long pattern: Melania’s suggestion was the final straw after years of hinting that Diet Coke is not, in fact, a health supplement. “She once suggested he try vegetables that weren...

In a shocking turn of events that absolutely has nothing to do with politics, the FBI recently searched the home of former National Security Advisor and mustache aficionado John Bolton. According to officials, the search was “totally normal,” “by the book,” and in no way connected to the fact that Bolton is a Trump critic whose best-selling hobby is telling anyone with a microphone that the former president is unfit for office. “This isn’t weaponization,” insisted one Justice Department spokesperson, polishing a battering ram. “We’d raid anyone’s home if they had the audacity to publish a tell-all book that embarrassed a sitting president. That’s just standard operating procedure.” Critics suggested the raid was suspiciously timed, but the FBI clarified that it was merely coincidence. “Our schedule was open this week between searching Melania’s shoe closet and monitoring PTA meetings for terrorist activity,” explained an agent, noting that “Bolton’s house was on the way to Chick-fil-A....

In what experts are calling “the most dangerous rebrand since Mr. Potato Head dropped his honorific,” Cracker Barrel has introduced a new logo—and America’s most vigilant culture warriors are already on high alert. The design, which reportedly features a slightly rounder “C” and a warmer shade of gold, has been accused of containing “subliminal rainbow energy” by a coalition of Facebook groups with names like Real America for Real Breakfast Foods Only . “They’re trying to sneak gayness in between the biscuits and gravy,” warned one concerned father who admitted he hadn’t actually seen the new logo yet but “just knew.” Another critic claimed the “swoop” in the lettering “definitely looks like a Pride parade float if you squint and tilt your head sideways.” Meanwhile, a viral post insists the rocking chair hidden in the design is “a coded message that encourages children to sit down and think about whether they’re straight at all.” Cracker Barrel has denied the allegations, insisting tha...

History, as any responsible government will tell you, is not about the messy details of what actually happened. No, history is about making sure your nation looks like the protagonist in every possible scenario. After all, why should schoolchildren be burdened with uncomfortable facts when they could be learning how every decision ever made by their country was, in fact, benevolent, visionary, and just a little bit heroic? Take, for example, the treatment of Native Americans. While some so-called “historians” will whine about land theft, forced relocation, and broken treaties, the true patriot knows this was simply a centuries-long wellness retreat. Think about it: the Trail of Tears wasn’t a forced march—it was an early version of an endurance fitness challenge, designed to build character and community! Reservations? Not imposed confinement—just government-sponsored Airbnbs with scenic views. And boarding schools? Clearly advanced cultural exchange programs, where children generously...