Truthliness News

April 2, 2025 – Washington, D.C. / Free Market Theater In what is surely one of the most statistically improbable—but absolutely innocent—sequences of events in modern political history, Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene made two stunningly well-timed financial moves just hours before major White House trade policy announcements. And yet, the press seems content to call it what it most certainly is: “coincidence.” A beautiful, God-fearing, flag-waving, financial coincidence. First Stroke of Luck: T-Bills & Tariff Whispers Last Tuesday, Greene made a seven-figure purchase of short-term Treasury bills , mere hours before President Trump announced sweeping reciprocal tariffs on a range of imports. The tariffs sent markets into a nosedive and drove investors to the safest haven available: Treasury bills . And who was sitting pretty in her camo-print congressional office chair, sipping sweet tea over a yield curve? “I just really like government debt,” Greene told reporters...

April 1, 2025 — Starbase, TX / Subsidy City, USA In a press conference held from atop a chrome-plated Cybertruck balanced on the roof of a solar-powered rocket launchpad, Elon Musk declared victory in his long-standing war against “the woke mind virus”—shortly before admitting he personally collected billions in what he now calls “Woke-Bucks™” from those very same woke people. “It’s hilarious, really,” Musk said, sipping kombucha filtered through crushed Bitcoin. “They wanted to save the planet. I wanted to build flame-throwing surfboards and tweet memes at 3 a.m. And somehow... we both won.” Musk went on to explain that Tesla, SpaceX, SolarCity, and his loosely affiliated underground mole-robot startup “TunnelBoyz” have received billions in government grants, loans, subsidies, and regulatory credits —all designed to support green tech, clean energy, and “whatever else sounds good to senators who still print their emails.” “Every time they handed out a new green initiative,” Mu...

March 30, 2025 — Palm Beach, FL In an impulsive moment of “tremendous masculine energy,” President Donald J. Trump proudly unveiled his brand-new Tesla Cybertruck outside Mar-a-Lago—only to renounce the purchase minutes later upon remembering that it was electric, environmentally friendly, and made by someone who occasionally tells the truth. “Look at this beast,” Trump declared, standing next to the stainless steel triangle on wheels. “It’s strong, it’s shiny, it looks like a tank from the future. Just tremendous. Perfect for me.” Reporters noted that he had no idea how to open the door and resorted to slapping it repeatedly while muttering “open sesame” before an aide quietly activated it with an app. The Realization Hits Approximately 14 minutes into what was supposed to be a celebratory test drive around the Mar-a-Lago golf course, Trump came to a horrifying revelation: “Wait a minute... this doesn’t use gas? No beautiful, clean oil? No American diesel? It runs on... bat...

  March 29, 2025 — Mar-a-Lago, FL / Made in Somewhere, USA In a truly groundbreaking economic address delivered from the golf cart path behind the Mar-a-Lago snack bar, President Donald J. Trump explained that rising prices caused by his steep tariffs on foreign goods will “absolutely come down” —just as soon as the U.S. rebuilds its manufacturing base using “hardworking Americans who don’t mind working for peanuts, maybe even trail mix.” “Look, tariffs are a very smart tax cut, okay?” Trump began, while pointing to a graph titled ‘Prices vs Patriotism’ . “Yes, prices go up at first—because China’s mad. But once we start making things again here, everything gets cheaper. Because American workers are incredible. And also very humble. And very used to disappointment. That’s what makes them efficient!” “We’ll Build It Cheaper, By Paying Less—It’s Simple Math, Folks” Trump’s economic logic stunned economists and delighted headline writers across the spectrum. He explained that t...

March 29, 2025 — San Salvador / Washington D.C. / Literal Prison of Innovation In what can only be described as a dystopian tech-fueled fever dream crossed with a bureaucratic acid trip, billionaire Elon Musk has now officially vanished into the bowels of El Salvador’s most notorious maximum-security prison , following his mistaken deportation by U.S. immigration authorities. After being stripped of his devices, shaved bald, and fitted with a standard-issue prison jumpsuit Musk has not been seen or heard from in days . Prison authorities confirm he is being held incommunicado , with access to neither Wi-Fi, satellites, nor Grimes. “We placed him in Cell Block X,” said prison warden Rafael López, “because he kept shouting something about X being the center of the universe and/or Twitter. He’s quiet now. Stares at the wall. Sometimes tries to draw Tesla blueprints with a spoon.” Trump Responds: “Very Sad. But the System Is the System.” President Donald J. Trump, under whose admin...

March 28, 2025 — Mar-a-Lago, FL / Fantasyland Economics Desk In a bold economic declaration that left economists screaming into throw pillows and middle-class shoppers weeping in Walmart parking lots, President Donald J. Trump announced that his sweeping new tariff policies are “the biggest, most beautiful tax cut in American history.” Yes, you read that correctly. Tariffs. The thing where you pay more for stuff . Are now being rebranded as a tax cut . “It’s very simple, folks,” Trump said at a rally hosted in a converted Circuit City. “We put big tariffs on China, Europe, and Canada—especially Canada, they know what they did—and that means we WIN. And when we win, prices go up, which means your wallet goes down, which is technically lighter, and that, my friends, is a tax cut.” The crowd erupted in applause. Many were still unclear what a tariff actually is, but they liked the part where America wins. How It Works, According to Trumponomics™: Tariff goes up Imported p...

March 28, 2025 — Somewhere Along a Mostly Imaginary Wall After nearly a decade of promises, chants, and repeated threats to declare “reverse bankruptcy,” former President Donald J. Trump triumphantly announced that Mexico has in fact paid for the border wall—just not in the way anyone expected, or with any measurable form of consent. Standing in front of a 3-foot-tall chain-link fence spray-painted gold, Trump declared victory: “I said they’d pay for the wall. The fake news said it was impossible. But guess what? We got ‘em. They’re paying in so many ways—indirectly, spiritually, emotionally. Maybe even metaphysically. You’re welcome, America.” Here’s a breakdown of how Mexico is paying , according to Trump’s new book, "The Art of the Wall (Vol. 2: Mission Accomplished-ish)" : 1. Taco Tax™ Trump claimed that every taco sold in America now includes a “Freedom Salsa Surcharge” of 50 cents, which is deposited into a fund called the Wall Infrastructure Trust & Burr...

March 28, 2025 — Palm Beach, FL / D.C. Confusion Unit In what may be the most innovative fiscal policy since “build the wall and make Mexico pay for it,” former President Donald J. Trump has come out in full support of a controversial decision to eliminate all Alzheimer's-related programs at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), arguing that it’s not only budget-conscious—but strategically genius . “Look, I love seniors. Nobody loves seniors more than me. I made many of them,” Trump told reporters while eating pudding directly from a gold chalice. “But if they don’t remember to cash their Social Security checks, guess what? We save money. Big money. The best money.” He added, “Honestly, I’m helping. It’s financial forgetfulness. It’s patriotic amnesia.” "Just Forget About It" Becomes Official CDC Policy The CDC, which previously funded Alzheimer’s research, caregiver support, and early detection programs, has now rebranded its neurological care d...

“Wisconsin voters clearly didn’t understand the assignment,” says man who tried to purchase a judiciary. AUSTIN, TX — Expressing confusion and outrage after liberal judge Rebecca Dallet Crawford decisively won the Wisconsin Supreme Court race, tech mogul Elon Musk released a furious 37-part statement Wednesday demanding an investigation into how his $25 million investment in conservative candidate Brad Schimel had failed to override democracy. “I spent a small fortune trying to save Wisconsin from judicial wokeness, and they just went ahead and voted for it anyway,” Musk said, pausing to retweet a meme of George Soros Photoshopped onto the Statue of Liberty holding a scythe. “Crawford didn’t win—she was installed by the Soros Global Legal Domination Fund, which has assets in the trillions, probably. We’ll see the receipts. Or we won’t, because they’re hidden in the cloud. Very suspicious.” According to Musk, the only possible explanation for Crawford’s win is that Soros funneled “an es...

March 27, 2025 — Palm Beach, FL & Alternate Reality, USA In a stunning retrospective that will surprise absolutely no one who’s ever read a checkbook or witnessed a grift, a new investigative report has confirmed that nearly every promise Donald J. Trump made about money and public service was about as real as his net worth—or his tan. During his 2016 campaign, Trump repeatedly assured the American public that he would: Self-finance his campaign Refuse the presidential salary Lose “maybe $10 billion” because of how devoted he was to America Now, nearly a decade later, we can confidently report that Trump: Did not self-finance anything Cashed every government check with the speed of a hungry raccoon And somehow made money off being president while telling everyone he was bleeding cash “I’m so rich, I’ll pay for it all!” — Trump, 2015 In early campaign speeches, Trump boasted: “I’m really rich. I don’t need donors. I’ll pay for my own campaign. Totally se...