Truthliness News

In a shocking development that has rattled the nation’s finest online patriots, conservatives on Twitter (or as they call it, X , because Elon said so) are once again in full digital meltdown mode. The outrage this week? “FOREIGNERS ARE DRAINING SNAP! OUR TAXES ARE FEEDING ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS STEAK AND SHRIMP!” Thousands of posts, written in all caps for maximum patriotism, have declared that the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP) is being “abused by illegals.” According to one viral tweet featuring 14 American flags and a bald eagle GIF, “59% OF SNAP BENEFITS GO TO ILLEGALS!!!” Unfortunately for the all-caps crowd, the actual number is—brace yourself—completely untrue. A quick peek at the official data shows that over 90% of all SNAP recipients are U.S. citizens. That’s right: the “foreign invasion” conservatives keep shouting about turns out to be… their neighbors, coworkers, and probably their Aunt Karen, who uses her EBT card to buy frozen waffles between Facebook p...

In the latest episode of Twitter Economics: The Hunger Games Edition, conservatives are up in arms over what they call “the great illegal immigrant grocery heist.” According to viral posts from several proud patriots with eagle emojis in their handles, undocumented immigrants are raking in between $3,000 and $4,000 a month in SNAP benefits — enough, apparently, to single-handedly bankrupt America and corner the avocado market. “WE COULD PAY OFF THE NATIONAL DEBT IF THESE FREELOADERS DIDN’T GET HANDOUTS!!!” screams one post, which has been shared more times than a Fox News headline about gas prices. Democrats, meanwhile, are collectively facepalming so hard that the CDC has issued a warning about nationwide forehead bruising. Because — and here’s the plot twist no one on the “$4,000 SNAP Squad” seems to know — undocumented immigrants cannot legally receive SNAP benefits at all. Not a dime. Not a crumb. Not even a leftover Cheerio. But let’s not let “facts” ruin a perfectly good outr...

In an unprecedented twist in American justice, Operation Arctic Frost , Jack Smith’s investigation into Donald Trump’s valiant attempt to “creatively reinterpret” the 2020 election, has been declared an overreach — not because it lacked evidence, but because it had too much of it . According to Republican senators who definitely didn’t participate in any scheme involving “alternate electors,” the government “had no right to investigate legitimate political innovation.” After all, what’s democracy if you can’t send a few backup electors to Washington — you know, just in case the original votes don’t vibe with your feelings? “Jack Smith was trying to criminalize enthusiasm,” declared Senator Flint Barrister (R–Somewhere Safe), “and that’s un-American. We were simply trying to provide options. It’s called choice . Democrats love choice — except when it’s about who gets to be President.” The Department of Justice, apparently unaware that “sedition” has been rebranded as “constitutional exp...

By Our Nation’s Most Exhausted Fact Checker The internet is once again aflame with righteous indignation—this time over a basketball court . Conservative influencers on X (formerly known as Twitter, before irony died) are in full meltdown mode. Threads with thousands of retweets insist that Barack Obama spent $400 million of hard-earned taxpayer money to build “a private NBA arena on White House grounds.” One user even claimed it had “luxury boxes for globalists” and a “Marxist jumbotron.” Tragically, none of this is true. Fact: Obama didn’t build a basketball court. He took the existing White House tennis court , added a few tape lines , and wheeled in a portable hoop —the same kind your neighbor drags to the curb every time their teenager misses curfew. The total cost of this "extravagance"? Less than $20,000 , and—brace yourselves—it was paid for by Obama personally , not the government. That’s right: the supposed $400 million taxpayer heist was actually a DIY weekend pro...

In a stunning renovation that experts are calling “Liberace meets authoritarian chic,” President Donald J. Trump has revealed his newly redecorated Oval Office—now gilded from floor to ceiling in so much gold that visitors are advised to wear sunglasses or risk retinal damage. “People said the old Oval Office was classy,” Trump announced, adjusting his gold tie clip shaped like a dollar sign. “But I said, why stop at classy when you can go full Mr. T?” Indeed, the redesign appears to have been inspired by the late-20th-century icon of excess himself. The desk, now plated in 24-karat gold leaf, sits beneath a chandelier shaped like an eagle wearing a chain. Trump calls the style “presidential street tough.” The Midas Touch “Everything in here shines,” Trump said proudly, patting a solid-gold bust of himself in place of Lincoln’s. “Some presidents leave behind monuments; I leave behind a glow you can see from space.” The once-soft beige curtains have been replaced with shimmering gold d...

Ah, America — land of the free, home of the selectively tolerant. The country that enshrined religious freedom in its very first constitutional amendment, just to make sure no one could ever force their beliefs on others — unless, of course, they’re the “wrong” kind of beliefs. Because nothing says “freedom of religion” quite like panicking at the sight of someone praying eastward in an airport terminal. The Founding Fathers, bless their powdered wigs, took great pains to guarantee that “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof.” They probably imagined this would cover all religions — Catholics, Quakers, Jews, Deists, and maybe even future faiths they couldn’t foresee. But two centuries later, some Americans have decided that this sacred protection only applies to comfortable religions — the kind that decorate shopping malls with nativity scenes, not the kind that observe Ramadan. Modern patriots love to remind everyon...

In what economists are calling “a masterclass in creative accounting and political optimism,” Republican leaders across the nation declared victory over inflation this week — moments after the Bureau of Labor Statistics announced that inflation had hit its highest point of the year. “The numbers are clear,” said House Speaker Chuck Patriot (R-Texas). “Inflation is way down from what we predicted it would be if it had gone up more than this. That’s a huge win for the Trump economic legacy.” The latest report shows inflation at 3.0% , slightly below the projected 3.1% , prompting Republicans to take a collective victory lap while ignoring the fact that 3.0% is still the highest it’s been since Trump returned to office. “Folks, it’s simple,” said one Fox News commentator. “If you expect a punch in the face and only get slapped, that’s progress.” “It’s the Highest Low in History” At a press briefing, Trump hailed the inflation report as “the greatest inflation reduction since the inventio...

In a dazzling display of fiscal forgiveness, President Donald J. Trump announced a full pardon for crypto billionaire Blaze Bitmore, just weeks after the Trump family’s crypto investments experienced what insiders called “an unprecedented and perfectly timed boom.” “This has nothing to do with the TrumpCoin partnership,” Trump clarified at a press conference held in front of a digital ticker screen flashing “$TRUMP UP 1,200%.” “This is about justice. Blaze is a great guy, very smart, very innocent. Maybe the most innocent person I’ve ever met — after me, of course.” The Blockchain of Benevolence Blaze Bitmore, founder of the now-defunct exchange FreedomCoin , had been convicted of nine counts of fraud, two counts of money laundering, and one count of calling his yacht “Decentralized Justice.” But Trump says the pardon was motivated purely by “love of innovation and a strong desire to see my portfolio go up.” “Crypto is the future,” Trump explained. “And if the future happens to benefit...

 In what experts are calling “the most profitable case of public service in history,” former President Donald J. Trump has filed a $230 million lawsuit against the Department of Justice, claiming years of investigations into his conduct caused him “severe psychological distress, reputational damage, and low golf scores.” This comes after Trump spent years proudly declaring that he donated his presidential salary—roughly $3.2 million over eight years—to various government agencies. “I gave back my salary because I’m a patriot,” Trump told reporters outside a Florida courtroom. “But now, I’m suing the Deep State for emotional damages. Frankly, it’s the greatest return on investment in presidential history.” The Math of Martyrdom Analysts have pointed out that Trump’s math—giving away $3.2 million and then demanding $230 million—represents a stunning 7,093% emotional markup. “It’s classic Trump,” said political economist Dr. Linda Ledger. “He spent four years arguing he was unfai...

In a barnstorming speech equal parts campaign rally and economics seminar gone wrong, President Donald J. Trump blasted New York Mayoral Candidate Zohran Mamdani’s plan to reduce grocery prices, calling it “radical socialism straight from Venezuela.” Moments later, he demanded that American cattle ranchers “cut the price of beef immediately, or face the consequences of my very strong words.” “The Democrats want government control of food prices—disgusting!” Trump thundered before turning to a group of ranchers in the front row. “But also, your steak is too expensive. We need to make beef cheap again. Tremendously cheap. The best beef, but at McDonald’s prices.” The Free Market, But Make It Obedient The statement left economists struggling to find an appropriate word that combined “irony,” “confusion,” and “Texas barbecue fumes.” One analyst summed it up succinctly: “He’s against socialism, except when he’s the one giving orders. It’s like free-market authoritarianism with a side of A1 ...

In a stunning act of global magnanimity — and impeccable timing — former President Donald J. Trump has announced a world peace crusade , claiming he will “bring harmony to Gaza, calm to India, and tremendous tranquility everywhere else,” just days after critics reminded the nation that his administration never released the Epstein files like it promised. “People are talking about Epstein,” Trump told a cheering crowd in Florida, “but I’m talking about peace. Big, beautiful peace. Nobody’s ever done peace like me. It’s the best peace — people say that.” A Mission from (and for) Himself The “Trump World Peace Tour,” already trending on Truth Social as #NobelOrNothing , will include a series of handshakes, golf outings, and impromptu campaign rallies disguised as diplomatic summits. The goal, according to insiders, is “to distract the media just long enough for everyone to forget which administration had four years to declassify those Epstein documents and didn’t.” “He’s a genius at misdi...

In a move hailed by supporters as “the greatest act of generosity since Mar-a-Lago started charging extra for patriotism,” President Donald J. Trump announced plans to build a luxury ballroom at the White House—one he insists he’ll “definitely, totally, 100%, without a doubt” pay for himself. “This will be the most beautiful, most elegant ballroom in history,” Trump declared at a press conference held between two golden eagles and a mirror. “It’ll make Versailles look like a Motel 6. And I’m paying for it personally—unlike Sleepy Joe, who probably needs Congress to approve his dance floors.” The ballroom, according to preliminary sketches released by Trump’s team, will feature: Gold-plated everything , including the Constitution framed in Swarovski crystals. A MAGA chandelier shaped like a crown, rumored to double as a campaign donation QR code. A retractable stage for impromptu victory speeches, karaoke nights, and criminal arraignment afterparties. When asked about the f...

In a stunning display of patriotic confusion, several Republican lawmakers and media personalities have condemned the recent No Kings protests—organized in opposition to creeping authoritarianism—as “anti-American,” accusing demonstrators of “hating the country that gives them the freedom to hate the country.” “They’re out there waving signs, chanting, and questioning authority,” said Senator Buck Patriot (R-Freedomville). “That’s not what America’s about. America’s about respecting authority, keeping quiet, and letting billionaires decide what’s best for you.” The No Kings demonstrators—who argue that democracy, not monarchy, was the founding principle of the United States—have been baffled by the backlash. “We literally read the Declaration of Independence out loud,” said one protester. “It’s like they think Thomas Jefferson was woke.” Right-wing commentators quickly took to cable news to denounce the movement, branding it the Hate America protests. “They’re protesting tyranny? Ty...

In what experts are calling a “refreshingly confident delusion,” U.S. officials have assured the public that a war with Venezuela would definitely not be another endless war. “We’ve learned from the past,” said one unnamed Pentagon spokesperson while staring at a map that still had Afghanistan circled in red. “This one would be different. Totally different. It’s got oil.” Administration sources insist that the operation would be “swift and surgical,” much like every other war described that way before turning into a 20-year Netflix documentary. When asked about the exit strategy, one general said, “Oh, we have one. We just haven’t decided what it is yet.” Political commentators agree: Venezuela presents a unique opportunity for the United States to liberate a country that didn’t ask for it, using the same strategy that has never failed—bomb first, ask questions later. “It’s not like we’re trying to change a regime,” said a senior official. “We’re just trying to… gently replace it with...

In a surprise press conference this morning, President Donald J. Trump proudly announced that his $20 billion bailout of Argentina is “the most tremendous, the most America-First thing any president has ever done for another country, maybe in history.” Flanked by a backdrop of American flags, golf course renderings, and a suspiciously large Argentinian flag, Trump explained his logic. “People don’t understand this,” he said, “but when America gives billions of dollars to another country, that’s called winning . Because it shows how rich we are. No one else can do it. Obama couldn’t do it. Sleepy Joe couldn’t even find Argentina on a map — maybe thought it was a kind of pasta.” Reporters attempted to ask why a self-proclaimed “America First” leader was sending billions overseas. Trump waved them off. “Look, Argentina loves me. They have beautiful people, great steaks, and they named their capital after me — Buenos Aires , which means ‘Good Trump,’ I think. The farmers there said I’m...

There was a time — not so long ago — when Charlie Kirk fancied himself the Socrates of the student union, bravely engaging liberals in public squares armed only with logic, a fresh haircut, and a permanent look of disbelief. He was, by his own account, the prophet of “open dialogue,” “intellectual diversity,” and “just asking questions.” That was before the group chat leaked. The Revelation Screenshots of a private chat among his most ardent young followers revealed that the “marketplace of ideas” they’d built was less a thoughtful agora and more a discount bin at a conspiracy convention. Between debates over which Founding Father would’ve owned the best AR-15 were messages that could make a 1950s segregationist blush. While Kirk preached the virtues of free speech, his disciples apparently thought “free” meant “costing us our humanity.” The Great Unmasking For years, Charlie sold himself as the wholesome alternative to the shouting heads — the guy who wanted to “win hearts and minds....

In what scholars are already calling “the fastest diplomatic forgiveness arc since Judas got Easter amnesty,” President Donald J. Trump has announced that Qatar — yes, that Qatar, the one he accused in 2017 of funding terrorism — will now be allowed to build an air-force training facility in the heart of Idaho. The decision stunned observers, not because Trump changed course, but because he did it with the subtlety of a real-estate brochure. “Qatar is a tremendous partner — the best, really,” he said at a rally, standing in front of a rendering of hangars that suspiciously resembled luxury condos. “They’ve been very generous. They’ve given us a plane, a beautiful plane — maybe the best plane ever built. It’s practically a flying Mar-a-Lago.” From Terrorists to Tenants Back in 2017, Trump declared Qatar a “funder of terror at a very high level.” But times — and donations — change. White House officials insist the new partnership has nothing to do with reports that Qatar “gifted” the ...

 After two millennia of miracles, the Almighty has finally outdone Himself. Forget parting the Red Sea or raising Lazarus — this time, God reportedly decided to rehabilitate a Manhattan real-estate mogul with the libido of a raccoon in mating season and turn him into the savior of Western civilization. According to recently leaked prayer memos, Heaven’s HR department had resisted the idea. “We’ve handled sinners before,” said one angel, speaking on condition of anonymity. “But we usually prefer a tax collector or two — not the guy who was the tax loophole.” Yet God, in His infinite wisdom and sometimes questionable taste, looked upon the chaos of 21st-century America and said: ‘Behold, my chosen one — the man with three wives and zero self-awareness.’ The Conversion of Saint Donald It all began, as so many divine callings do, on cable news. After years of making cameos in tabloids and divorce courts, Trump’s transformation reportedly began the moment he realized he could dra...

Once upon a time, a poor kid from the Rust Belt discovered the ultimate American hustle: selling your trauma to elites who need to feel cultured about their privilege. His name was J.D. Vance , and his ticket to Yale Law wasn’t legacy or lineage — it was the poverty plotline . Vance didn’t break into Yale despite being a poor Appalachian kid; he got in because of it. He was the rare applicant who could bring a whiff of “coal dust authenticity” to a campus drowning in Patagonia fleece. Admissions officers must have been euphoric: “Finally! A student who understands poverty!” He wasn’t just admitted — he was adopted . Yale got its homegrown “diversity admit,” the kind who could make faculty feel progressive without triggering a Fox News headline. Vance’s personal statement practically wrote itself: “I may be white, but I am socioeconomically exotic.” The Poor Kid Who Gamed Meritocracy To his credit, Vance played the system like a fiddle carved out of bootstraps. He weaponized hardship a...

Dear Patriotic Penitent, You write that you “feel terrible” after reporting your history professor to Charlie Kirk’s Professor Watchlist for being a “raging communist” who was “trying to indoctrinate the class.” You say you only did it because you got a C on your essay about how the Founding Fathers “invented capitalism,” and now you’re shocked— shocked! —that days later, the professor was swatted. You insist you “didn’t mean any harm.” Oh honey. That’s like saying, “I didn’t mean to start a forest fire—I just thought the trees looked chilly.” Let’s unpack this, shall we? 🔥 Step 1: Understand What “Reporting a Communist” Actually Means in 2025 In the modern collegiate ecosystem, calling someone a “communist” doesn’t mean they’re plotting to seize the means of production. It usually means they assigned you a reading that made you think. You say your professor “praised labor unions.” That’s not Marxist indoctrination—that’s a Tuesday in History 241. But thanks to your vigilance, the Pr...

In a bold new twist of logic that would make a corkscrew jealous, Republican leaders are now spinning the recent government shutdown as a master plan by Democrats to funnel taxpayer dollars into free healthcare for undocumented immigrants—despite the inconvenient fact that such care doesn’t actually exist. According to GOP talking points, Democrats shut down the government “to demand socialist spa treatments for illegals,” citing the long-standing policy that hospitals must provide emergency, life-saving treatment to anyone who’s dying on their doorstep—because, apparently, Republicans think CPR is now socialism. The Reality Democrats Forgot to Deny Under current law, undocumented immigrants are only entitled to emergency care if their condition is life-threatening. Even then, hospitals often receive partial Medicaid reimbursement —usually just enough to cover the cost of one latex glove and a pamphlet about “Paying Off Medical Debt in 10 Easy Lifetimes.” Ironically, this same limite...

LANSING, MI — In what political scientists are calling “a bold new era of delusion,” Michigan has reportedly become the first Islamic state in America, according to a viral Facebook post shared 47,000 times by people whose only knowledge of Islam comes from action movies and their uncle’s email chain. Despite Muslims making up roughly 2% of the population , internet prophets insist that they have “stealthily seized control of all branches of government, the education system, and probably the local bowling leagues.” The Great Sharia Panic Local conspiracy analyst Randy Hubble told reporters that he first noticed the change “when Dearborn opened another halal grocery store.” “First it’s halal meat, next thing you know they’re replacing the state bird with a falcon and banning chili cook-offs,” he said, while clutching a Bible and a Costco pack of bacon bits “just in case.” Meanwhile, Michigan’s governor, still unaware she now presides over the Caliphate of the Great Lakes, addressed rep...

PORTLAND, OR In a move hailed by supporters as “strong leadership” and by everyone else as “performance art with Humvees,” President Trump has once again deployed the National Guard to Portland, Oregon, citing “Antifa-fueled chaos.” The only problem? Eyewitnesses, journalists, and the Portland Police Bureau all noted that the chaos in question doesn’t usually begin until the Proud Boys and Oath Keepers show up — often in matching polos, armed, and extremely ready to defend freedom from people with cardboard signs. Operation Peace Through Tear Gas Trump announced the deployment on Truth Social, writing: “Antifa is burning Portland again! The National Guard is going in to restore LAW and ORDER. These are patriots doing a tremendous job, keeping everyone safe from the violent leftists (and maybe the violent rightists, but we don’t talk about that).” Within hours, National Guard units rolled into downtown, where they found… a few college students holding “End Racism” posters, a guy playi...

In yet another bold display of bureaucratic efficiency, Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) has proudly announced the success of its latest “Operation Berry Secure,” in which tactical SWAT units descended on California strawberry fields to apprehend the nation’s most pressing threat: a 5’4” farm worker named José, who was wielding a terrifying... plastic fruit basket. Witnesses say the raid looked like a cross between Black Hawk Down and a produce commercial. “They came in with helicopters, armored vehicles, and flashbangs,” said one neighboring farmer. “I thought they were going after a cartel. Then I realized they were chasing the guy who brings us tamales on Fridays.” ICE defended the operation’s $80,000 price tag per apprehension, citing “national security priorities.” A spokesperson explained, “We’re only targeting the worst of the worst—like farm workers who pick strawberries too efficiently. You never know what they could be hiding under those wide-brimmed hats.” When ask...

In a dazzling display of economic optimism and selective perception, former President Donald Trump announced this week that the U.S. economy is “the strongest it’s ever been — maybe ever in the history of economies — strong, bigly strong.” Standing in front of a gold-plated lectern bearing the slogan “Truth Over Receipts,” Trump told supporters that “real Americans” — defined loosely as anyone who agrees with him — “know that prices are lower than ever.” He added, “People are saying to me, ‘Sir, please, we can’t take it anymore, the prices are too low! Milk is basically free! Eggs? Practically paying you to take them!’” Economists were quick to point out that inflation remains high and grocery bills have not, in fact, returned to pre-pandemic levels. Trump dismissed these reports as “fake news from the price police,” insisting, “I bought a dozen eggs yesterday for 25 cents. Tremendous deal. Nobody’s ever seen prices like that. The farmer was crying, said, ‘Sir, we can’t make money if p...