Truthliness News

Introduction: The Discovery of an Invisible Force For decades, Americans searched for the great unseen power shaping their lives. Economists spoke of the invisible hand of the market, theologians of divine providence, and sociologists of patriarchy. But conservatives, ever the intrepid truth-seekers, have finally found the true culprit behind everything from climate change to low church attendance: Systemic Liberalism — a vast, unquantifiable cultural organism that has seeped into the groundwater of American life like an unregulated latte foam. What Is Systemic Liberalism? Systemic Liberalism, experts on talk radio explain, is a self-replicating belief system that disguises itself as compassion, equality, and science. It thrives in public schools, city councils, and anywhere recycling bins outnumber church pews. Unlike mere “liberal ideas,” systemic liberalism doesn’t need to be consciously believed. You can catch it just by attending college, watching PBS, or using a paper straw. Its ...

America’s right-wing pundits have long warned us about the “liberal media.” The phrase itself has become such a household staple that it might as well be packaged alongside Tide Pods and Doritos, complete with its own jingle: “It’s the liberal mediaaaa!” But let’s pause here. Media in the United States is not a government-funded public utility, nor a socialist experiment run by cardigan-wearing academics. No, the media is a private business —a profit-driven enterprise beholden to corporate sponsorship, advertising dollars, and the quarterly terror of Wall Street earnings calls. So here’s the real conundrum: If capitalism is supposed to weed out anything unprofitable, how has the so-called “liberal media” not only survived but thrived? The Mystery of Capitalism-Defying Liberalism Conservatives insist that systemic liberalism has infiltrated the airwaves. And apparently, this liberalism is so powerful that it even defies the laws of capitalism itself . Advertisers—Coca-Cola, ExxonMobil, ...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a stunning announcement this week, federal officials proudly declared that inflation is finally “under control,” citing a complex mix of charts, acronyms, and economic wizardry. Meanwhile, back in the real world, you’re standing at the checkout counter wondering why three bags of groceries cost more than your car payment. According to the Bureau of Economic Analysis, the Core CPI has “stabilized,” which is economist-speak for: “We don’t shop for eggs, and we haven’t been inside a Safeway since 1997.” Government spokespeople insist prices are improving, but the evidence in your pantry tells a different story. Once upon a time, $100 meant a cart full of food. Today, $100 buys you oat milk, ground beef, and a vague sense of betrayal. “Consumers are experiencing relief at the checkout,” said one official who clearly thinks a gallon of milk still costs $1.89. “We’ve managed to tame inflationary pressures.” At that exact moment, an Arizona father tried to put back a bo...

According to leading conservative media outlets, America’s greatest threat is not poverty, climate change, gun violence, or the fact that healthcare costs more than a used Honda Civic—it’s the terrifying reality that roughly 0.6% of the U.S. population identifies as transgender. Yes, you read that right: less than 1%, a group smaller than the population of Wyoming, has somehow captured the full attention of Fox News, state legislatures, and the guy yelling about bathrooms at your local school board meeting. Republican lawmakers, clearly undaunted by pesky things like infrastructure or inflation, are drafting legislation at record speed to address the pressing issue of what gender your neighbor’s kid writes on a piece of paper. “This is the hill we’re dying on,” one senator reportedly said, while completely ignoring the crumbling literal hillsides sliding into rivers after record floods. The obsession has gotten so intense that GOP think tanks have begun rebranding themselves as “Trans...

Washington, D.C. — In a stunning act of political theater that would make Broadway jealous, the federal government has officially shut down. Why? Because Republicans say Democrats are demanding free, platinum-tier, taxpayer-funded healthcare for every “illegal immigrant” who’s ever set foot in the continental U.S., Guam, or possibly the moon. There’s just one small problem: it’s already illegal for undocumented immigrants to receive federal benefits. But in the magical world of Republican storytelling, legal reality is no match for a juicy bedtime tale of marauding migrants draining Medicare. “This is a hill we are willing to die on,” announced one GOP lawmaker while standing in front of a Fox News camera, shaking with patriotic fury. “If we don’t stop Democrats from giving free nose jobs and spa treatments to illegals, what’s next? Free Teslas? Universal Netflix passwords?” Democrats, meanwhile, were left bewildered. “We literally didn’t propose that,” sighed one senator, holding up t...

Dear Legal Advice Columnist, If I post something on Truth Social that maybe isn’t 100% accurate — like when I said the FBI admitted that 274 FBI agents were at the January 6th protest — is that perjury? I strongly implied they were undercover agitators (which was genius, by the way). Some boring fact-checker, i.e., Kash Patel, claims they were there because the Capitol Police called for backup during a riot. Fake news! Anyway, am I in legal trouble for saying it? Sincerely, President Donald J. Trump (Most Persecuted Man in History) Dear Mr. President, Relax. Perjury is when you lie under oath in court. Posting on Truth Social doesn’t count — it’s just lying to your followers. And let’s be honest, that’s your whole business model. That said, here’s what you might want to worry about: Defamation. When you publicly smear federal agents as secret saboteurs, some of them might not appreciate being turned into your political chew toy. Luckily for you, your lawyers are used to explaining...

America’s conservatives have finally cracked the code. For decades, the media has pretended to blame things like racism, sexism, or even climate change for society’s problems. But the truth has now been revealed: it was never any of those things. The culprit, hiding in plain sight, is systemic liberalism. Yes, systemic liberalism—the all-purpose boogeyman. It’s why gas prices are high, why the Wi-Fi goes out during football games, and why Starbucks insists on writing “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas.” “It’s in the water, the schools, the grocery store checkout lines,” said Congressman Buckley R. Freedom (R-RedState). “Why waste time fighting racism when we know that’s just a liberal myth cooked up by CNN? We need to fight the real root cause: liberals.” According to conservative scholars, systemic liberalism has fully corrupted mainstream media. It controls not just what stories are told, but how they’re told. Wildfires are no longer “acts of God” but “climate change.” Econ...

Washington, D.C. — For years, Republicans have thundered that Joe Biden committed the ultimate sin of American governance: unleashing the terrifying machinery of the Department of Justice against innocent conservatives who were merely engaging in “tourism” at the Capitol or setting classified documents free into the wild. But now? With Donald Trump back in the driver’s seat of the DOJ bulldozer, they’re suddenly shouting “rev that engine!” Apparently, the problem wasn’t that the Justice Department was “politicized” — it’s that it wasn’t politicized enough in their favor. “Biden was a tyrant,” said Congressman Buck T. Patriot (R-Somewhere in MAGAland). “Weaponizing the DOJ against Republicans was fascism. Trump using the DOJ against Democrats? That’s justice, baby. Totally different thing. Like comparing communism to freedom, or Bud Light to an actual beer.” The new Trump-endorsed DOJ strategy is simple: investigate anyone who’s ever voted for, liked a tweet about, or thought vaguely po...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A shocking new theory from the conservative imagination claims that the January 6th storming of the Capitol was not the work of MAGA supporters but rather a joint production by Antifa and the FBI. According to the theory, hundreds of peaceful Trump fans had merely come to D.C. to admire the rotunda’s architecture when suddenly they were dragged inside, handed Viking helmets, and told to pose for incriminating photos. FBI Casting Call Sources say the FBI held auditions weeks in advance, searching for “men in camo with strong shouting voices.” Antifa provided the costumes, which reportedly included American flag capes, Confederate flags, and custom T-shirts reading Camp Auschwitz . “Look, we had to make it look authentic,” said one Antifa organizer. “You can’t stage a coup without at least three dudes climbing the Capitol walls like Spider-Man.” Innocent Patriots, Wrong Place Wrong Time MAGA attendees insist they were framed. “I only walked through the broken window b...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — After Charlie Kirk’s remarks about Joy Reid, Michelle Obama, Sheila Jackson Lee, and Ketanji Brown Jackson being “affirmative-action picks” who “stole white people’s slots” went viral, one conservative commentator rushed to the airwaves to assure America that the quote was not racist at all. In fact, he insisted, it was the “Gettysburg Address of our time.” “Listen, Charlie was just saying what everyone else is too afraid to say,” the pundit declared, while adjusting his stars-and-stripes tie. “He wasn’t insulting their intelligence, he was insulting their liberal intelligence. There’s a difference. Liberal intelligence is like diet soda — it looks real, it fizzes a little, but it’s basically useless.” A Brilliant Misunderstanding When pressed on Kirk’s claim that these Black women lacked the “brain processing power” to be taken seriously, the conservative explained: “He wasn’t talking about their brains in the racist sense. He was talking about their brains in the ...