Truthliness News

By: Department of Homeland Humiliation Correspondent In a stunning revelation that finally explains why Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) agents are rarely seen without balaclavas, ski masks, or oversized Oakleys, sources within the agency have confirmed: it’s not for safety. It’s because they’re mortified by what they do. “We’re not afraid of being targeted by Antifa or crazed liberals with reusable tote bags,” said one anonymous ICE agent, adjusting his mask while nervously avoiding eye contact. “We’re just deeply ashamed of who we’ve become.” Agents reportedly began masking up more consistently after the 2018 incident where one officer was recognized by his former high school civics teacher during a family separation raid. “He used to write essays about liberty and justice for all,” she recalled. “Now he’s zip-tying toddlers in Dora pajamas. It was hard for both of us.” According to internal memos leaked by a remorseful ICE human resources employee, agents now receive offici...

  June 14, 2025 | Springfield, USA — Local resident Greg Thompson is recovering emotionally today after a harrowing incident at a McDonald's drive-thru, where he ordered a Quarter Pounder with Cheese and was promptly asked to hand over $20.49. “I thought I had driven into a Shake Shack by mistake,” Thompson told reporters while nursing a Diet Coke and broken dreams. “I asked the cashier if that came with a side of caviar. He just stared at me and said, ‘Do you want fries with that or not?’” Thompson, a lifelong McDonald’s enthusiast who takes pride in knowing when McRib season starts and ends, suspected the new price was due to rising wages in the fast-food industry. “I figured it was Biden’s economic hangover and some teenager making $15 an hour was getting rich off my combo meal,” he said bitterly. “But then the manager came out and hit me with a truth bomb I wasn’t prepared for.” Not the Minimum Wage — The Maximum ICE McDonald’s shift manager Carla Ruiz emerged from behind...

"Don’t look at our numbers. Just look at our slogans." WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Republican Party once again reaffirmed its identity as the Party of Law and Order™ this week, even as new data revealed that red states — bastions of bootstraps and Bible studies — consistently lead the nation in crime, incarceration, and low-budget meth-related explosions . At a press conference flanked by a bald eagle, a tattered copy of the Constitution, and a man named Randy who hasn’t voted since 1998 but still owns 37 guns, Republican lawmakers took to the mic to condemn liberal states for their alleged “criminal-coddling policies.” “Look at California!” shouted Sen. Buzz Rawlins of Texas. “They’re letting criminals walk free !” When pressed by a reporter, he added, “Sure, they have lower violent crime and incarceration rates than we do, but that’s only because they count crimes in… metric. ” Red States: Land of Freedom, Fear, and For-Profit Prisons While Republican leaders decry urban “h...

“We agree: Manifest Destiny was just colonial cosplay,” says Beijing UNITED STATES — In a surprising twist on geopolitical alliances, a newly formed movement called Native American Zionism has taken the international stage by storm, demanding that all ancestral lands stolen during centuries of U.S. expansionism be immediately returned to Indigenous nations — preferably by Tuesday . What started as a peaceful land-back protest outside a Buffalo Wild Wings in Tulsa has now escalated into a full-blown international incident, as China, Iran, North Korea, and Russia have all enthusiastically backed the cause — with shipments of weapons, drone fleets, and unsolicited TikTok influencers now flooding reservations across the U.S. “Finally,” said a spokesperson for the Lakota Nation, “we’ve got outside support that doesn’t come in the form of casino licensing or meaningless land acknowledgments read before TED Talks.” China Declares: “Return the Dakotas or Else” The Chinese Foreign M...

Dear Aunt Patriotica, Yesterday morning, a group of men in tactical gear jumped out of a black SUV and grabbed my landscaper, Jorge, right off my front lawn. He was just about to edge the hydrangeas. They didn’t say who they were—just yelled something about “national security” and “illegal petunias” before speeding off. Now my flower bed is half-done, my driveway looks tragic, and I have no idea what to do. Help?  — Distressed in the Suburbs Dear Distressed, Oh sweetheart, you’ve just experienced what we in the business of freedom like to call a Freedom Extraction . Happens all the time now — like Amazon deliveries, but in reverse and with fewer rights. Here’s what to do: 1. Call ICE and Thank Them First things first: call your local Immigration and Customs Enforcement office and express your gratitude for their service. Sure, Jorge may have been a hardworking, tax-paying, plant-whispering gem of a human being, but we can’t have skilled labor running around unchecked. What’s next...

“Sometimes, to stop fire, you need a much, much bigger fire,” he explains. PALM BEACH, FL — In a bold and visionary foreign policy speech delivered from the ballroom of Mar-a-Lago President Donald J. Trump unveiled his long-awaited plan to bring peace to the Middle East and Ukraine . Step one? War with Iran. “It’s very simple,” Trump declared, gesturing confidently toward a map of the world labeled “Places I’ll Fix” with a crayon-drawn explosion over Tehran. “We go to war with Iran — big, beautiful, the best kind of war — and then boom , everyone’s too tired to fight anymore. That’s how you get peace.” The president, who previously promised to end “forever wars” by escalating drone strikes and pulling out of treaties no one asked him to leave, explained that his new doctrine is called “Peace Through Total Unpredictable Mayhem.” “Middle East? Solved. You’re welcome. Ukraine? I’ll confuse Putin into surrendering by attacking a completely different country . Iran’s gonna be so shocked,...

ICE begins raiding Home Depot parking lots, lettuce fields, and poultry plants to capture “dangerous weed-whackers and chicken deboners.” EL PASO, TX — In a shocking turn of events that has baffled border hawks, criminal gang members who once thrived on a steady diet of extortion, drug smuggling, and general mayhem are reportedly being forced to take up day labor and agricultural work just to make ends meet. “Yes, I used to be a feared enforcer for Los Cabezas Locas,” said Miguel “El Soplón” Reyes, wiping sweat from his brow after a long day drywalling a suburban bathroom. “Now I’m mostly just trying to get paid under the table so I can send money home and afford tortillas.” According to ICE, this latest criminal tactic — known in national security circles as “Operation Earn an Honest Living” — is a deceptively quiet invasion . Agents claim that dangerous individuals are now lurking in plain sight, cleverly disguised as roofers, line cooks, and tomato pickers. “These are not your gr...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Reports from the netherworld confirm that the spirit of President Theodore Roosevelt has officially spun 360 degrees in his grave upon learning that Donald Trump is planning a full-scale military parade down Pennsylvania Avenue on June 14 — his birthday. According to ghostly sources close to the 26th president, Roosevelt became “visibly spectral” when informed the parade would include tanks, fighter jets, a 21-MAGA-hat salute, and a live DJ set by Kid Rock. “I said talk softly and carry a big stick ,” Roosevelt was overheard muttering from the beyond. “I did not mean shout on cable news and roll a ballistic missile past the Lincoln Memorial to prove your ego isn’t as fragile as your hairline. ” The former Rough Rider and Nobel Peace Prize winner was reportedly appalled that Trump would use the military to celebrate not a national victory, but his own birthday , which he has now branded “America’s Real Independence Day.” Sources inside the Trump campaign confirm the ...

Mar-a-Lago, FL — In a statement delivered poolside between bites of a well-done steak, President Donald J. Trump announced today that he is "by far, the most patriotic and most constitutional president in the history of this great, incredible, perfect country,” and that “no one knows the Constitution better than me, not even the people who wrote it — and I mean that.” Flanked by American flags, a golden eagle statue, and several reluctant interns holding pocket-sized Constitutions upside down, Trump unveiled his new “True Patriotism Agenda,” which includes a bold plan to “relocate” the judicial branch to “a really nice island, maybe Guam or Rikers,” if it continues to “misinterpret his totally perfect policies.” “If the courts don’t agree with me, that just proves they’re unconstitutional,” said Trump. “I took a look at Article II — which, by the way, gives me the power to do whatever I want — and nowhere does it say I can’t just… you know, clean house. Judges are just angry law...

Mar-a-Lago, FL — In a surprise press conference held between rounds of golf and executive cheeseburgers, President Donald Trump took time to lash out at what he called “the radical leftist invasion of video games,” lamenting that even his favorite pastime has succumbed to “DEI tyranny.” “They’ve ruined everything,” Trump declared to a crowd of mostly confused Mar-a-Lago staff and a lone Newsmax cameraman. “You can’t even shoot an alien anymore without having to check if it’s part of a protected class. I played this one game—some elf, some wizard, I don’t know—and the elf had purple hair and pronouns. Folks, the elves never had pronouns under Reagan!” Trump accused major game developers of pushing “dangerous, diversity-based ideologies” into their titles, claiming that modern video games are “no longer about winning” but about “feelings, empathy, and listening to non-binary characters.” “When I was growing up, we had Pac-Man, okay? He was a strong, silent type. No agenda. Now he’s proba...