Truthliness News

Conservative pundits this week assured the American public that the grim jobs report—showing sluggish hiring and rising unemployment—was actually good news, proof that their deportation policies are working exactly as intended. “Look, if we kick out illegals, there are fewer people to take jobs,” explained one commentator on Patriot News Now. “So when the jobs disappear, that’s just the economy adjusting. It’s not a failure—it’s supply and demand!” Pressed on why the latest labor statistics showed fewer opportunities for American workers, a Republican lawmaker clarified: “The jobs are out there. They’re just the good kind now—patriotic, hard-to-measure, under-the-table opportunities like mowing your neighbor’s lawn for free or sitting on hold with Comcast for hours instead of someone in another country doing it.” Economists were puzzled by the data, but conservatives had ready explanations: Blame the Deep State: “The Bureau of Labor Statistics is probably run by illegals anyway. You th...

 Washington, D.C. — The Bureau of Labor Statistics (BLS) announced today that it is officially seeking a new commissioner, after August’s jobs report showed fewer gains than expected and promptly cost the current commissioner their job. Ironically, the firing improved the unemployment numbers by exactly one. “The August report was too gloomy,” said one White House insider, clutching a freshly printed résumé. “We simply can’t have a BLS commissioner who insists on reporting statistics. The American people want vibes, not numbers.” According to sources, the outgoing commissioner’s fatal error was pointing out that job growth had slowed in sectors like retail and manufacturing. “We were hoping for something more optimistic,” said another official. “Like, maybe emphasize how fewer layoffs in the llama-grooming industry demonstrate resilience in the gig economy. That sort of creativity.” The Bureau has already posted the vacancy online. Qualifications for the role now include: Abi...

 Washington, D.C. — The Senate floor descended into theological chaos this week after a Democratic senator committed the unpardonable sin of saying out loud that “we get our rights from the law” and that “the United States is based on the rule of law.” Republicans immediately clutched their pearls, their pocket Constitutions, and at least one pocket Bible. “Excuse me?” thundered Senator Cornstarch R-TX. “Our rights are granted by Almighty God, not some bureaucrat with a pen and a law degree! If God didn’t want us carrying AR-15s into Starbucks, He would’ve added an eleventh commandment about it!” Within minutes, conservative media outlets declared that Democrats had officially declared war on the Almighty, promising that “first they came for your gas stoves, now they’re coming for your God-given right to stand your ground in the frozen foods aisle.” Liberals, not to be out-dramatized, fired back on social media: “If rights are granted by God, then who enforces them? Is there a c...

Twitter (or X , if you’re into midlife crises for social media platforms) has finally cracked the case of America’s mass shooting epidemic. Forget guns, forget mental health, forget decades of policy gridlock. The true culprit? Thermometers. According to one very serious thread with 28,000 likes and three graphs made in Microsoft Paint, the number of mass shootings rises with the temperature. “As the Earth gets hotter,” the poster explained, “so does the barrel of an AR-15. And when that barrel heats up, freedom just starts firing itself.” The theory is elegant in its simplicity: Cold weather = mittens. Hard to reload in mittens. Hot weather = sweaty rage. Nothing says “Second Amendment rights” like a 102-degree heat index. Global warming = global shooting. It’s science. Commenters were quick to add supporting evidence: “I wore a hoodie in December and didn’t feel like shooting anyone. Coincidence? I think not.” “Ever notice school shootings dip during winter break? C...

Conservative Twitter — sorry, X — has once again sprung into action to defend their golden calf, Donald J. Trump, from the latest round of rumors. The logic is ironclad, the reasoning bulletproof, and the mental gymnastics worthy of Olympic gold. Step one: If Trump’s name were ever on the Epstein list, we’d already know about it. Because, you see, Joe Biden — who can barely remember which state he’s in — is secretly masterminding a shadow government powerful enough to cover up every crime except the ones conservatives imagine he committed. Clearly, Biden would have released Trump’s name just to own the MAGA crowd, but since he hasn’t, case closed. Step two: If a survivor of Epstein were to say the word “Trump,” then obviously she’s cashing a check. Probably Soros-backed, maybe Pfizer-sponsored, definitely woke-funded. Everyone knows the only way anyone could accuse Trump of wrongdoing is if they were bribed. After all, women have a long history of making things up about him, like… 2...

As Donald Trump’s feed went quiet for a full 48 hours, liberal Twitter entered what experts are calling “ecstatic vigil mode.” Hashtags like #TrumpDeadYet and #WeekendAtMarALago began trending as users speculated on whether silence from their favorite hate-watch account meant he was gravely ill, in jail, or being propped up by golf clubs. Political strategists noted that instead of crafting a coherent plan to counter Trump’s policies, liberal Twitter users seemed united behind a single tactic: “Manifest his death.” One activist explained, “Policy is complicated. Tweeting ‘is he dead yet?’ is much easier. Plus, it gets likes.” “Every time he doesn’t post for a few hours, my hope rises like the Dow Jones under Clinton,” another user confessed. “I light a candle, refresh my feed, and pray for bad cholesterol to finally do the people’s work.” Meanwhile, actual Democratic organizers begged liberals to focus on issues like healthcare, voting rights, and economic policy. Their pleas were drow...

Standing in front of a backdrop of factory workers who were definitely bused in from three states over, Donald Trump announced on Labor Day that no one had done more for the working class than him. “I gave you the biggest, most beautiful tax cuts,” Trump boasted, pausing for applause. “The billionaires got yachts, the millionaires got vacation homes, and you got—well—you got enough for maybe two extra Happy Meals. Tremendous.” Economists have noted that Trump’s “Tax Cuts and Jobs Act” provided a sliver of relief to ordinary workers while shoveling wheelbarrows of cash to billionaires. Trump, however, insisted workers should be grateful. “Look, it’s a lot more than Biden gave you,” he said, grinning. “Under Biden you get… what? Student loan forgiveness? Lower drug prices? Please. Do you know how many yachts Bezos bought because of me? Jobs, folks. Jobs!” Conservative media immediately declared Trump “the blue-collar billionaire,” a phrase that makes as much sense as “the vegan butcher.”...

Some people fantasize about winning the lottery. Others daydream about quitting their job and moving to a cabin in the woods. Conservative Twitter personalities, however, are busy praying to the algorithm for the day a trans person commits a mass shooting in the “perfect” setting: a Catholic school, during Mass, in front of Fox News cameras. In what they describe as “the Super Bowl of culture war talking points,” pundits imagine logging on to their feeds and finally getting the content they crave. “Do you know how many retweets I could farm from that?” one anonymous influencer was overheard saying, eyes glazed, hands trembling over the caps-lock key. “I’d finally be verified again!” Experts note that fewer than one-tenth of one percent of mass shooters are transgender, but such pesky math doesn’t fit the dream. In this imagined scenario, Twitter conservatives get everything they’ve ever wanted: a headline tailor-made to fuel 72 consecutive hours of rage-tweeting, Fox News segments, and...

In the latest installment of “Things That Don’t Add Up, but Get Retweeted Anyway,” conservative Twitter personalities have once again declared that transgender people are the root cause of America’s mass shootings, potholes, inflation, and the fact that McDonald’s ice cream machines never work. This, despite a pesky little statistic: fewer than one-tenth of one percent of mass shooters are transgender. That’s right—less than the odds of being struck by lightning while simultaneously holding a winning lottery ticket . But statistics are boring, and boring doesn’t go viral. Instead, conservative influencers have decided that reality itself is a left-wing conspiracy. “If 99.9% of shooters aren’t trans, then obviously the media is covering for them,” tweeted one blue-check pundit whose profile picture is a bald eagle wearing Oakleys. “Do the math, people!” (Math, notably, has not been returning their calls.) Another commentator insisted, “Even if there’s only one trans shooter in the his...

 Washington, D.C. — President Donald J. Trump, America’s self-proclaimed “most patriotic man who’s ever lived,” has once again dazzled his followers by draping himself in the American flag like a sequined Vegas cape—while simultaneously signing another executive order that body-slams the U.S. Constitution into the nearest dumpster. Trump, whose political philosophy can best be described as “Stars, Stripes, and Sharpies,” apparently believes the flag is not a symbol of a nation governed by laws but rather a decorative poncho he can wear while declaring himself Supreme Arbiter of All Things American. “Look, nobody loves the Constitution more than me,” Trump said yesterday while straddling a life-size bald eagle statue and waving the flag like a rodeo clown on caffeine. “But the Constitution, frankly, is very overrated. Too many words, not enough pictures. The flag, though—beautiful flag—it’s like a big red, white, and blue hug from George Washington himself. That’s what America’s a...