Truthliness News

March 27, 2025 — Ivy League to State U, USA In a rare show of coordinated academic spine, universities across the country have banded together to respond to President Donald J. Trump’s latest campaign of policy-by-tantrum, defying his demands to dismantle Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion (DEI) programs and labeling his recent accusations of campus anti-Semitism as “wildly inaccurate,” “politically motivated,” and “barely spelled correctly.” Trump, who recently declared that “woke universities are breeding grounds for anti-American thought, gender confusion, and people who think Palestine is a thing,” had threatened to strip federal funding from any institution that refused to immediately abolish DEI offices, ethnic studies departments, and anything containing the phrase “intersectional.” “They’re teaching people to feel empathy. It’s disgusting,” Trump said at a rally held in a Bass Pro parking lot. “DEI actually stands for ‘Destroying Every Inch of America,’ and the Jews should be...

March 27, 2025 — Capitol Hill & Internet, USA In yet another chapter of America’s proud tradition of hyperventilating over hydration, several Republican lawmakers are sounding the alarm over what they call a “coordinated bribery scheme” involving bottles of water being handed out to voters standing in line for hours. According to these lawmakers, volunteers providing H2O to elderly, overheated, or generally human citizens waiting to cast ballots is not “basic decency,” but rather a nefarious plot by so-called Democratic operatives to manipulate the outcome of elections via liquid-based influence. “It starts with a bottle of water,” said Rep. Clyde Wadsworth (R-TX), “and next thing you know, these voters are pledging allegiance to AOC and demanding universal pre-K and kale rations.” Sen. Marjorie Flatbottom (R-GA) introduced emergency legislation titled the “Freedom from Fluids in Voting Act” (FFVA) , banning the distribution of any beverage within 500 feet of a polling plac...

“It’s tremendous math. Beautiful death math.” Mar-a-Lago, FL — In a surprise press conference held from his gold-plated golf cart, former President Donald J. Trump announced a “tremendously smart” plan to save Social Security—by gutting the Department of Health and Human Services (HHS). “People keep asking, ‘Mr. Trump, how are you going to save Social Security?’” he said, motioning vaguely at the sky. “And I tell them: it’s very simple, folks. Very simple. If people don’t live long enough to collect it, then we don’t have to pay it. It’s called strategy.” Trump then detailed his new initiative, dubbed Operation Early Exit, which includes massive cuts to Medicaid, mental health programs, disease prevention, and anything that might accidentally help Americans live past retirement age. “Some say it’s cruel. Some say it’s genius. I say—it’s both. It’s cruelly genius,” Trump said, pausing for applause that wasn’t there. According to Trump, the plan is rooted in what he called “Trump-calculu...

March 27, 2025 — Mars Prep HQ, aka Elon’s Basement Tunnel No. 3 In his ongoing effort to rewrite history with the accuracy of a cracked Magic 8-ball, Elon Musk took to X (formerly Twitter, formerly a bird, now mostly a troll farm) to denounce President George H. W. Bush as a “traitor to America” for his role in liberating Kuwait during the Gulf War. “Bush 41: Fought in WWII, but betrayed his country as President,” Musk posted at 2:12 a.m., sandwiched between retweets of cat memes and a thread about why traffic lights are part of a globalist psy-op. “Using AMERICAN blood and treasure to save Kuwait ? Pure treason. We didn’t vote for Kuwait. #AmericaFirst #BushDidKuwait” The post received 1.2 million likes in under an hour, mostly from anonymous accounts with profile pics of muscle-bound eagles holding assault rifles, and bios that say things like “Jesus. Gasoline. Freedom.” Hero or Globalist Tool? Though George H. W. Bush was a decorated WWII pilot, having been shot down over ...

March 27, 2025 — Mar-a-Lago, FL (and probably Moscow, emotionally) In a bold shift in messaging, the MAGA movement has officially rebranded itself as MAPA: Make America Pussies Again , in honor of what insiders are calling “a brave and historic commitment to appeasing shirtless authoritarianism.” The rebrand comes after former President Donald J. Trump once again expressed unwavering support for Russian President Vladimir Putin—despite Russia’s disastrous military performance in Ukraine, global sanctions, and a growing consensus among U.S. allies that Moscow is America’s most dangerous and aggressively unstable adversary. “Putin is Strong. Ukraine is Rude.” Speaking at a rally held in the parking lot of a Bass Pro Shop (now renamed "Ministry of Appeasement™"), Trump doubled down on his pro-Putin stance: “Putin is a genius. Just because he lost half his army, wrecked his economy, and now fights Ukrainian farmers with shovels doesn’t mean he’s not strong. I mean, look at ...

March 27, 2025 — Mar-a-Lago, FL In a stunning twist that has economists facepalming and environmentalists reluctantly Googling “carbon emissions from smugness,” former President Donald J. Trump announced that his sky-high auto tariffs are actually part of a bold environmental initiative. In a 4 a.m. Truth Social post, Trump proclaimed: “MY CAR TARIFFS = THE MOST EFFECTIVE CLIMATE POLICY IN HISTORY. MORE THAN THE GREEN NEW DISASTER. IF YOU CAN’T AFFORD A CAR, YOU WALK. WALKING = ZERO EMISSIONS. I’M BASICALLY GRETA THUNBERG WITH A JET.” The revelation came after weeks of speculation over why Trump had slapped a 60% tariff on all imported vehicles, including electric ones, collectible toy cars, and suspiciously French-looking scooters. While critics assumed it was part of a broader economic war on globalism or a result of thinking Germany is still part of the Soviet Union, Trump insisted the policy had been strategically environmental all along. “The Trump Green Deal”: One Step a...

  March 24, 2025 – New York, NY / Mar-a-Lago, FL In an economic rollercoaster that had Wall Street traders sobbing into their Bluetooth earpieces and begging for Dramamine, former President Donald J. Trump threatened new tariffs, imposed them, revoked them, and then reimposed them in the span of six hours Monday morning—before abruptly declaring tariffs “fake news” invented by China and Big Steel to “make me look indecisive.” The chaos began at 7:04 a.m. with a Truth Social post typed in all caps, with zero punctuation and multiple fire emojis: “STARTING TODAY MASSIVE TARIFFS ON EVERY COUNTRY THAT EVER LOOKED AT ME FUNNY INCLUDING FRANCE GERMANY BRAZIL CANADA AND THE COUNTRY OF STARBUCKS 🔥🔥🔥” By 8:30 a.m., the Dow Jones plummeted 800 points. At 9:15 a.m., Trump appeared on Fox Business in a robe, eating a McMuffin, to clarify: “The tariffs are very real. And very beautiful. Some people say they’re the best tariffs. Better than Lincoln’s.” But by 10:02 a.m., in an imprompt...

  March 24, 2025 — Washington, D.C. In a stunning return to his favorite pastimes — erasing Obama’s legacy and playing immigration detective — President Donald J. Trump  announced today that Barack Obama’s portrait will be removed from the White House “effective immediately, or sooner.” “This is a house for real presidents, not Affirmative Action success stories,” Trump declared from the newly re-carpeted Gold Room, now decorated entirely in red velvet and gold-plated inspirational quotes from The Art of the Deal . “Everyone knows Obama only got elected because of DEI — Diversity, Equity, and Illegitimacy.” The Portrait Purge Trump claimed Obama’s official portrait, which currently hangs in the White House, is “lowering morale, confusing the interns, and emitting suspicious Kenyan vibes.” The order, issued via a Truth Social post typed in all caps at 3:14 a.m., stated: “OBAMA’S PORTRAIT IS A FRAUD! JUST LIKE HIS BIRTH CERTIFICATE!!! REMOVE IT IMMEDIATELY AND REPLACE IT ...

March 23, 2025 – Washington, D.C. In a move that left academia either weeping or trying not to laugh out loud, former President Donald J. Trump announced that he would totally eliminate federal funding for universities that refuse to eliminate “woke, useless” Ethnic Studies and Women’s Studies programs. In their place, Trump proposed the establishment of two new fields of study: Trump Studies and Musk Academic Programs. Standing at a hastily erected golden podium in front of a backdrop that read “MAKE COLLEGE GREAT AGAIN,” Trump declared, “Our universities are failing. They’re filled with radical feminists and people who think history didn’t start with me. We’re gonna fix it. We’re going to have real education again—education that teaches you how to win, how to be rich, and how to avoid the IRS—legally or illegally. Mostly illegally.” Trump Studies: The New Ivy League Gold Standard Trump Studies, according to the 700-page executive order he typed on Truth Social (with help from an inte...

  Washington, D.C. — In a stunning and deeply confusing announcement, President Donald J. Trump declared today that he is appointing former President Bill Clinton as the new “Sexual Harassment Czar” in an effort to show “strong bipartisan unity on workplace misconduct.” “ We wanted someone who really understands the subject—deeply, personally, repeatedly, ” Trump told reporters while gesturing to a now slightly red-faced Clinton, who was polishing a cigar and nodding solemnly. “ Look, Bill knows harassment. He’s been accused more times than even I have—tremendous numbers. I respect that. It’s bipartisan. Historic, even. ” From Oval Office Favors to Executive Orders Clinton, famously known for receiving “executive favors” from intern Monica Lewinsky during his presidency, graciously accepted the appointment, stating, “I may have made a few mistakes, but who better to fix the problem than the guy who was the problem?” He added, “ I know every nook, cranny, and dry-cleaning em...