Truthliness News

Mar-a-Lago (and Definitely Not a Classified Documents Storage Facility) — In a move that has both alarmed the Pentagon and confused Kremlin analysts, President Donald J. Trump reportedly ordered the repositioning of U.S. nuclear submarines to “hover aggressively” near Russian waters following a “grave and nasty” threat from former Russian President Dmitry Medvedev. The threat in question? A warning of “nuclear annihilation” aimed squarely at Trump. Unbeknownst to Trump, however, the term “nuclear annihilation” was being used figuratively by Medvedev—referring not to an actual thermonuclear warhead, but to the imminent online leak of the infamous (and long-rumored) Moscow pee tape , starring Trump himself and two unconfirmed but highly hydrated Russian escorts. “They said nuclear, so I said submarines,” Trump explains “I know nuclear better than anyone,” Trump told Truth Social , his favorite platform for executive-level geopolitical strategy. “When they said they had nuclear on me, I...

Letter #444:  From: TG (Totally Gabbard, Definitely Not Imagining Things) Subject: Should I go public with my re-analysis of 2016 Russian interference and Obama’s suspicious behavior? Dear Oracle, Longtime first-time. I’m writing with a dilemma of national importance—perhaps even planetary if you consider how global truth ripples through the psychic field of vibrational democracy (a concept I coined after a brief ayahuasca journey). So here’s the sitch. You may remember the whole “Russia interfered in the 2016 election” narrative that every news outlet, intelligence agency, and high-functioning adult accepted as fact? Well, I’ve been looking at that again… and I have a different take. What if—and stay with me here—the real crime wasn’t Russian meddling… but the claim that there was Russian meddling? I’ve connected the dots using my highly calibrated gut, three YouTube channels, and a deck of Freedom Oracle tarot cards. The result? It’s looking increasingly like President ...

By Liberty Blinders, Correspondent for The Patriotically Persecuted Post In a stunning act of courageous hypocrisy, the Trump 2029 administration has once again taken a bold stand against the politicization of the Department of Justice—by aggressively politicizing it themselves. “We had no choice,” said Attorney General Tucker Carlson, wearing a powdered wig made entirely of shredded Hillary Clinton emails. “We had to neutralize the Deep State by making the DOJ shallow and deeply loyal.” Critics claim this reeks of double standards, but officials insist it’s simply equal and opposite retribution . “For four years, we screamed about Biden’s so-called ‘weaponized DOJ,’” explained Deputy Attorney General Kimberly Guilfoyle during her press briefing-slash-blood ritual. “Now we’re just taking that weapon and aiming it back—at librarians, scientists, and everyone who ever rolled their eyes at a Trump tweet.” Upon taking office again, Trump immediately launched the "Department of Just Us...

By Patri O’Tism, Senior Fellow at the Institute for Circular Logic In a bold move to defend democracy from the ravages of democracy, America’s most patriotic patriots have taken a principled stand: the 2020 election was rigged, stolen, corrupt, compromised, fraudulent, infiltrated, and possibly haunted. And thus— obviously —any and all attempts to overturn its results were not just legitimate, but holy acts of constitutional cosplay. Led by a man who once claimed that Ted Cruz’s father killed JFK and that windmills cause cancer, the movement to “Stop the Steal” has demonstrated an ironclad commitment to facts—so long as those facts are delivered via meme, shouted from a rally stage, or spoken in a very loud voice on cable news between ads for reverse mortgages. “We love the Constitution,” one protester shouted while climbing the Capitol steps in a buffalo headdress. “That’s why we’re using bear spray on Capitol Police—to protect Article Two, or maybe Article Eleven. Whichever one says ...

By Flip Flopwell, Senior Correspondent for the Department of Cognitive Dissonance WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold move that stunned economists, philosophers, and anyone still trying to follow the plot, President Donald J. Trump demanded that Walmart “quit whining” about rising costs due to tariffs, arguing that “big, rich, powerful companies should absorb the costs like real Americans—silently and with a smile.” This comes just months after Candidate Trump furiously warned that Democrats were trying to destroy capitalism by vilifying American corporations. “They want to tax the job creators, regulate your cheeseburgers, and outlaw your plastic straws,” Trump thundered at a 2024 rally. “It’s pure socialism. Next thing you know, they’ll be telling Walmart what to charge for deodorant!” Now, in the latest episode of The Apprentice: Trade War Edition , President Trump has taken to the White House lawn to scold Walmart executives. “They’re making billions. Billions with a B! They can take a l...

By Patriot McFreedom, Staff Writer for The Lone Star Sentinel AUSTIN, TX — In a bold move to protect its citizens from an ever-looming threat that exists mainly in the minds of certain talk radio hosts, the Texas legislature has voted—unanimously and for the seventh time in twelve years—to ban Sharia Law. “Even though Sharia Law has never been practiced in Texas, and there’s no indication that it ever will be, we wanted to send a strong message to radical hypothetical scenarios,” said State Senator Buck Godspeed (R-Horsepower County), the bill’s author. “This is about freedom. Specifically, the freedom to ban things we don’t understand.” The bill, titled the God, Guns, and Good Old Common Law Act, will prohibit courts in Texas from referencing, implementing, or even pronouncing anything that “sounds foreign or scary.” A special appendix also bans hummus from courthouse cafeterias “just in case.” Governor Greg Abbott held a signing ceremony at a BBQ joint outside Waco, where he scrawled...

By Buckley Colt, Patriot Dispatch Weekly FORT COURAGE, FL — In an exclusive interview from the freedom-loving safe space of his RV parked behind an abandoned Cracker Barrel, former January 6th attendee Chad “LibertyFist88” Grundle took time to recount the harrowing saga of his three-week incarceration following his felony trespassing conviction for patriotically smearing queso dip on the Capitol Rotunda floor. “It was hell,” Chad begins, steely-eyed, wearing a flag bandana and a sleeveless “Trump Won, Get Over It” hoodie. “They made me walk—get this— 87 steps to use a computer.” Grundle says he was forced to endure this journey daily just to send urgent messages like “Free the patriots!” to his 34 Telegram subscribers and post memes comparing his plight to that of Jesus, Mandela, and Mel Gibson in The Patriot. “And the Wi-Fi?” he scoffs. “It would sometimes take, like, four whole seconds to load Breitbart. I had to wait , bro. In PRISON.” But Chad’s real fury ignites when he shifts...

By Rex Tarnation, Senior Editor, American Grievance Digest Washington, D.C. — In a stunning twist that would make even QAnon say “wait, what?” Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard (Independent-Contrarian) held a press conference today where she unveiled what she called the “Obama Files”—a trove of top-secret documents allegedly showing that Barack Obama once... read a book in French, owned three bicycles made in China, and once whistled the Iranian national anthem under his breath while eating arugula. Naturally, conservatives across the country erupted in celebration. Rep. Jim Jordan immediately tore off his jacket in patriotic ecstasy. Fox News changed its chyron to read “BREAKING: OBAMA PROBABLY COMMITTED TREASON IN 2016, TULSI GABBARD SAVES THE REPUBLIC.” Glenn Beck wept openly into a Constitution-shaped handkerchief. Yet even as MAGA nation rallied behind their new hero, an uncomfortable truth lingered in the air like a fart in a Capitol Hill elevator: Tulsi Gabbard w...

By Cletus J. Hoggins, MAGA Pundit, Part-Time Constitutional Scholar, Full-Time Patriot Listen up, America. While the woke mob is out here canceling Mr. Potato Head and trying to teach your kids that FDR wasn’t a socialist, I’ve been cooking up the solution to all our nation’s problems from the comfort of my garage studio, right between my "Let’s Go Brandon" banner and my life-size cardboard cutout of Ronald Reagan. And the answer is one beautiful, brilliant word: TARIFFS . That’s right. Tariffs are basically free money for the United States. Foreigners send us their junk, we slap a fee on it, and we keep the cash . It’s like robbing a burglar and then invoicing him for the inconvenience. Let’s break this down for the soy-brained economists and liberal “experts” who think the Federal Reserve isn’t just a deep state ATM. When we import a microwave from China, we put a 25% tariff on it. Who pays it? China, obviously. They send us the microwave and a check. That’s just how tari...

By Chuck “Bald Eagle” Rawlins, Reporting for The Patriot Tattler WAYCROSS, GEORGIA — Local MAGA scholar and self-proclaimed “Alpha Patriot” Randy J. Cletus took a break from polishing his AR-15 and re-watching Tucker reruns on VHS to finally explain to the world why liberals— excuse me , libtards—hate America so much . “I’ll put it in real simple English,” Randy said, chewing a Slim Jim and adjusting his American flag do-rag. “Libtards hate freedom, Jesus, and gas-powered trucks. That’s it. That’s the trifecta. If it burns fossil fuel, quotes the Bible, or tastes like bacon, they’re against it.” Randy, whose political education comes entirely from memes, gut feelings, and an uncle who once saw Joe Biden in a Cracker Barrel parking lot, believes liberals want to destroy America “because they’re jealous they weren’t born in the part of the country that matters—like Alabama.” “Think about it,” Randy explained, using a 2007 Dale Earnhardt Jr. commemorative plate as a whiteboard. “Libtards...