Truthliness News

March 27, 2025 — Ivy League to State U, USA In a rare show of coordinated academic spine, universities across the country have banded together to respond to President Donald J. Trump’s latest campaign of policy-by-tantrum, defying his demands to dismantle Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion (DEI) programs and labeling his recent accusations of campus anti-Semitism as “wildly inaccurate,” “politically motivated,” and “barely spelled correctly.” Trump, who recently declared that “woke universities are breeding grounds for anti-American thought, gender confusion, and people who think Palestine is a thing,” had threatened to strip federal funding from any institution that refused to immediately abolish DEI offices, ethnic studies departments, and anything containing the phrase “intersectional.” “They’re teaching people to feel empathy. It’s disgusting,” Trump said at a rally held in a Bass Pro parking lot. “DEI actually stands for ‘Destroying Every Inch of America,’ and the Jews should be...

March 27, 2025 — Capitol Hill & Internet, USA In yet another chapter of America’s proud tradition of hyperventilating over hydration, several Republican lawmakers are sounding the alarm over what they call a “coordinated bribery scheme” involving bottles of water being handed out to voters standing in line for hours. According to these lawmakers, volunteers providing H2O to elderly, overheated, or generally human citizens waiting to cast ballots is not “basic decency,” but rather a nefarious plot by so-called Democratic operatives to manipulate the outcome of elections via liquid-based influence. “It starts with a bottle of water,” said Rep. Clyde Wadsworth (R-TX), “and next thing you know, these voters are pledging allegiance to AOC and demanding universal pre-K and kale rations.” Sen. Marjorie Flatbottom (R-GA) introduced emergency legislation titled the “Freedom from Fluids in Voting Act” (FFVA) , banning the distribution of any beverage within 500 feet of a polling plac...

“It’s tremendous math. Beautiful death math.” Mar-a-Lago, FL — In a surprise press conference held from his gold-plated golf cart, former President Donald J. Trump announced a “tremendously smart” plan to save Social Security—by gutting the Department of Health and Human Services (HHS). “People keep asking, ‘Mr. Trump, how are you going to save Social Security?’” he said, motioning vaguely at the sky. “And I tell them: it’s very simple, folks. Very simple. If people don’t live long enough to collect it, then we don’t have to pay it. It’s called strategy.” Trump then detailed his new initiative, dubbed Operation Early Exit, which includes massive cuts to Medicaid, mental health programs, disease prevention, and anything that might accidentally help Americans live past retirement age. “Some say it’s cruel. Some say it’s genius. I say—it’s both. It’s cruelly genius,” Trump said, pausing for applause that wasn’t there. According to Trump, the plan is rooted in what he called “Trump-calculu...

March 27, 2025 — Mars Prep HQ, aka Elon’s Basement Tunnel No. 3 In his ongoing effort to rewrite history with the accuracy of a cracked Magic 8-ball, Elon Musk took to X (formerly Twitter, formerly a bird, now mostly a troll farm) to denounce President George H. W. Bush as a “traitor to America” for his role in liberating Kuwait during the Gulf War. “Bush 41: Fought in WWII, but betrayed his country as President,” Musk posted at 2:12 a.m., sandwiched between retweets of cat memes and a thread about why traffic lights are part of a globalist psy-op. “Using AMERICAN blood and treasure to save Kuwait ? Pure treason. We didn’t vote for Kuwait. #AmericaFirst #BushDidKuwait” The post received 1.2 million likes in under an hour, mostly from anonymous accounts with profile pics of muscle-bound eagles holding assault rifles, and bios that say things like “Jesus. Gasoline. Freedom.” Hero or Globalist Tool? Though George H. W. Bush was a decorated WWII pilot, having been shot down over ...

March 27, 2025 — Mar-a-Lago, FL (and probably Moscow, emotionally) In a bold shift in messaging, the MAGA movement has officially rebranded itself as MAPA: Make America Pussies Again , in honor of what insiders are calling “a brave and historic commitment to appeasing shirtless authoritarianism.” The rebrand comes after former President Donald J. Trump once again expressed unwavering support for Russian President Vladimir Putin—despite Russia’s disastrous military performance in Ukraine, global sanctions, and a growing consensus among U.S. allies that Moscow is America’s most dangerous and aggressively unstable adversary. “Putin is Strong. Ukraine is Rude.” Speaking at a rally held in the parking lot of a Bass Pro Shop (now renamed "Ministry of Appeasement™"), Trump doubled down on his pro-Putin stance: “Putin is a genius. Just because he lost half his army, wrecked his economy, and now fights Ukrainian farmers with shovels doesn’t mean he’s not strong. I mean, look at ...

March 27, 2025 — Mar-a-Lago, FL In a stunning twist that has economists facepalming and environmentalists reluctantly Googling “carbon emissions from smugness,” former President Donald J. Trump announced that his sky-high auto tariffs are actually part of a bold environmental initiative. In a 4 a.m. Truth Social post, Trump proclaimed: “MY CAR TARIFFS = THE MOST EFFECTIVE CLIMATE POLICY IN HISTORY. MORE THAN THE GREEN NEW DISASTER. IF YOU CAN’T AFFORD A CAR, YOU WALK. WALKING = ZERO EMISSIONS. I’M BASICALLY GRETA THUNBERG WITH A JET.” The revelation came after weeks of speculation over why Trump had slapped a 60% tariff on all imported vehicles, including electric ones, collectible toy cars, and suspiciously French-looking scooters. While critics assumed it was part of a broader economic war on globalism or a result of thinking Germany is still part of the Soviet Union, Trump insisted the policy had been strategically environmental all along. “The Trump Green Deal”: One Step a...

  March 24, 2025 – New York, NY / Mar-a-Lago, FL In an economic rollercoaster that had Wall Street traders sobbing into their Bluetooth earpieces and begging for Dramamine, former President Donald J. Trump threatened new tariffs, imposed them, revoked them, and then reimposed them in the span of six hours Monday morning—before abruptly declaring tariffs “fake news” invented by China and Big Steel to “make me look indecisive.” The chaos began at 7:04 a.m. with a Truth Social post typed in all caps, with zero punctuation and multiple fire emojis: “STARTING TODAY MASSIVE TARIFFS ON EVERY COUNTRY THAT EVER LOOKED AT ME FUNNY INCLUDING FRANCE GERMANY BRAZIL CANADA AND THE COUNTRY OF STARBUCKS 🔥🔥🔥” By 8:30 a.m., the Dow Jones plummeted 800 points. At 9:15 a.m., Trump appeared on Fox Business in a robe, eating a McMuffin, to clarify: “The tariffs are very real. And very beautiful. Some people say they’re the best tariffs. Better than Lincoln’s.” But by 10:02 a.m., in an imprompt...

  March 24, 2025 — Washington, D.C. In a stunning return to his favorite pastimes — erasing Obama’s legacy and playing immigration detective — President Donald J. Trump  announced today that Barack Obama’s portrait will be removed from the White House “effective immediately, or sooner.” “This is a house for real presidents, not Affirmative Action success stories,” Trump declared from the newly re-carpeted Gold Room, now decorated entirely in red velvet and gold-plated inspirational quotes from The Art of the Deal . “Everyone knows Obama only got elected because of DEI — Diversity, Equity, and Illegitimacy.” The Portrait Purge Trump claimed Obama’s official portrait, which currently hangs in the White House, is “lowering morale, confusing the interns, and emitting suspicious Kenyan vibes.” The order, issued via a Truth Social post typed in all caps at 3:14 a.m., stated: “OBAMA’S PORTRAIT IS A FRAUD! JUST LIKE HIS BIRTH CERTIFICATE!!! REMOVE IT IMMEDIATELY AND REPLACE IT ...

March 23, 2025 – Washington, D.C. In a move that left academia either weeping or trying not to laugh out loud, former President Donald J. Trump announced that he would totally eliminate federal funding for universities that refuse to eliminate “woke, useless” Ethnic Studies and Women’s Studies programs. In their place, Trump proposed the establishment of two new fields of study: Trump Studies and Musk Academic Programs. Standing at a hastily erected golden podium in front of a backdrop that read “MAKE COLLEGE GREAT AGAIN,” Trump declared, “Our universities are failing. They’re filled with radical feminists and people who think history didn’t start with me. We’re gonna fix it. We’re going to have real education again—education that teaches you how to win, how to be rich, and how to avoid the IRS—legally or illegally. Mostly illegally.” Trump Studies: The New Ivy League Gold Standard Trump Studies, according to the 700-page executive order he typed on Truth Social (with help from an inte...

  Washington, D.C. — In a stunning and deeply confusing announcement, President Donald J. Trump declared today that he is appointing former President Bill Clinton as the new “Sexual Harassment Czar” in an effort to show “strong bipartisan unity on workplace misconduct.” “ We wanted someone who really understands the subject—deeply, personally, repeatedly, ” Trump told reporters while gesturing to a now slightly red-faced Clinton, who was polishing a cigar and nodding solemnly. “ Look, Bill knows harassment. He’s been accused more times than even I have—tremendous numbers. I respect that. It’s bipartisan. Historic, even. ” From Oval Office Favors to Executive Orders Clinton, famously known for receiving “executive favors” from intern Monica Lewinsky during his presidency, graciously accepted the appointment, stating, “I may have made a few mistakes, but who better to fix the problem than the guy who was the problem?” He added, “ I know every nook, cranny, and dry-cleaning em...

  Washington, D.C. — In a cost-cutting move that experts are calling “bold,” “brutal,” and “weirdly on brand,” the newly-formed Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) has proposed a sweeping reform to eliminate the rising expenses of municipal animal control: Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem will personally shoot stray dogs. “We crunched the numbers,” said DOGE spokesperson Chad Value-Maximizer. “Turns out, local governments spend millions a year catching, housing, and feeding stray animals. Why not streamline the process and let someone with experience and enthusiasm handle it? ” Enter Secretary Kristi Noem: South Dakota’s former governor, part-time rancher, full-time dog disliker. “ I’ve always said we need strong leadership, and frankly, strong trigger discipline, ” said Noem, grinning while loading a shotgun behind the Department of Homeland Security building. “ When I see a stray dog, I don’t see a problem. I see an opportunity. ” A Two-Bird, One-Bullet Solutio...

  Washington, D.C. — In a bold policy pivot that no one asked for but somehow everyone expected , President Donald J. Trump announced this week that his plan to abolish the Department of Education wasn’t just about eliminating “woke algebra”—it’s actually part of a broader initiative to replace cheap immigrant labor with good, old-fashioned American child labor. “ Look, folks, it’s very simple, very efficient—very patriotic, ” Trump told a cheering crowd at a rally in rural Indiana, held in front of a shuttered elementary school and a functioning chicken processing plant. “ Why are we bringing in immigrants to do jobs when we’ve got millions of kids just sitting around playing Minecraft? Put those little hands to work! They’re very dexterous. Tremendous little hands.” A “Jobs for Tykes” Plan to Save the Economy The new policy, titled “Little Hands, Big Profits: Putting America’s Children Back to Work,” outlines Trump’s plan to simultaneously boost the economy , cut immigrati...

  By President Donald J. Trump Folks, let’s talk about something we don’t need anymore — education. That’s right, I said it. It’s bad, folks. Very bad. Waste of time. Waste of money. That’s why, as your President (again, I know, amazing), I am officially disbanding the Department of Education. Boom—gone. You’re welcome, America. Now, some people (the losers) will say, “But Mr. President, education is important! How will people learn?” Let me tell you— education does us no good. And I should know , because I turned out amazing without ever needing to learn a single thing. Education: A Scam for the Poors Here’s the truth, folks: school is a scam. It’s a racket, a big business run by woke math teachers and radical librarians who hate America. I mean, come on— why are we teaching kids history? What do they need history for? I make my own history every day! Look at me—I went to school, but did I actually learn anything? No! And I still became a billionaire, a TV star, an...

  Elon Musk Sobs on Fox News: "I Thought Democrats Were Nice, But They Keep Keying Teslas" Washington, D.C. — In a deeply emotional and totally unscripted appearance on Fox News, Elon Musk—now serving as a special government employee in President Trump's White House—broke down in tears , revealing that he used to believe Democrats were kind, empathetic people —until he saw a Tesla dealership get vandalized. " I thought they were about love and tolerance, " Musk sniffled, dabbing at his tear-streaked cheeks with a Tesla-branded microfiber cloth. " But now, after seeing what they've done to my cars, I know the truth: Leftists are hate-filled, horrible human beings. " Vandalism: The Great Awakening According to Musk, his political transformation happened after a sudden rash of Tesla dealership vandalism, in which several cars were reportedly: Keyed with the words "Eat the Rich" Defaced with Bernie Sanders bumper stickers Spray-paint...

  Washington, D.C. — In a bold move that has left scientists speechless (mostly due to facepalming-induced concussions), Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has announced his revolutionary plan to combat the bird flu crisis—not by stopping it, but by letting it "fester" until nature fixes itself. "Folks, we need to stop meddling with nature," RFK Jr. said during an emergency press briefing, holding a chicken for dramatic effect. "You know what happens when we interfere? Big Pharma gets rich, and our eggs stay expensive. The real solution? Flock immunity. " What Is "Flock Immunity"? According to Kennedy’s deeply researched and definitely-not-insane theory , bird flu can be eradicated naturally if farmers simply let the disease run wild through poultry populations , thereby ensuring that only the strongest, most flu-resistant chickens survive. " This is how Mother Nature intended it, " RFK Jr. insisted. ...

  Los Angeles, CA — In a world-shattering exclusive that makes their usual celebrity gossip look like amateur hour, TMZ has obtained audio of a secret phone call between President Donald J. Trump and Russian President Vladimir Putin discussing the Ukraine war, a possible ceasefire, and—shockingly—a mysterious video Putin still holds over Trump’s head. Putin: “I Want Out, But I Need to Look Like a Winner” In the leaked recording, Putin can be heard sighing heavily before launching into a shocking admission : “ Donald, I never thought this war would last this long. I thought two weeks, maybe a month, and boom—Ukraine is mine,” Putin grumbles . “Now I’ve lost over half a million soldiers, thousands of tanks, and so many planes that I’m considering buying used fighter jets from North Korea. It’s embarrassing. I need out, Donald. But I can’t look weak. " Trump, eager to jump in and take credit , interrupts: “ Vlad, baby, I got you. Nobody makes deals like me. They call me ...

  Washington, D.C. — In what experts are calling “a historic crackdown on mythical creatures,” President Donald J. Trump has ordered ICE to apprehend and deport the Leprechaun responsible for St. Patrick’s Day festivities, leaving millions of Americans heartbroken and countless bars struggling to justify their overpriced green beer. “ No more illegal immigrants—even the tiny green ones, folks, ” Trump declared at a last-minute rally in front of a confiscated pot of gold. “This guy? Total fraud. No papers. No visa. No nothing. Just prancing around, spreading luck like some kind of socialist fairy tale. Not under my watch! ” ICE Raid at the End of the Rainbow The operation, known internally as "Operation Shamrock Sweep," took place just before sunrise on March 17. Acting on intelligence from an anonymous tipster (believed to be the Easter Bunny, who feared he was next), ICE agents stormed the Leprechaun’s underground gold vault , where he was caught attempting to flee...