Truthliness News

Patient: Donald J. Trump Location of Evaluation: Mar-a-Lago Presidential Library & Buffet Clinician: Dr. Ima Quack, Psy.D., Board-Certified in Diagnosing Rich Men with Poor Insight Reference Text: DSM-5 Diagnosis: Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), Deluxe Subtype – “Very Stable Genius Variant” Diagnostic Code (Satirical Supplement): 301.81-BIGLY DSM-5 Criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following: (Trump exhibits 12, breaking the scale. Diagnosis confirmed. Let’s proceed anyway.) 1. Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements). Claims to be the “most presidential president” other than Lincoln (who, frankly, is on very thin ice). B...

By The American Scapegoat Society Journal In a stunning and not-at-all-shocking press conference held at the Mar-a-Lago Croquet Pavilion, President Donald J. Trump unveiled what he described as “the greatest threat to America since Rosie O’Donnell” — an illegal immigrant named José Q. Multitasker , who he claims is personally responsible for every problem in the United States. “This guy — and I’m told he’s very sneaky, very strong, and maybe from Honduras or possibly Mars — has been stealing jobs, elections, catalytic converters, and even Christmas ,” Trump declared, pointing to an FBI sketch of a vaguely brown silhouette wearing a sombrero, hoodie, and Antifa pin. 🔍 Meet the Mythical Menace According to Trump, José Q. Multitasker is: Registered to vote in 47 states (and Puerto Rico , which he now insists is a swing state), Working 12 jobs under different names, including your Uber driver, your dentist, and the guy who beat Trump in the popular vote , and Moonlighting as a...

Psychiatric Case Note: Donald J. Trump Patient ID: #00000045 (Code Name: "Covfefe Complex") Date of Evaluation: Ongoing Since 1946 Diagnosing Clinician: Dr. Sigmund Fraud, M.D. (Mostly Dubious) Presenting Concern: Patient exhibits intense, repetitive, and performative hostility toward immigrants, particularly those with brown skin, foreign accents, or the audacity to be poor. Despite being married to multiple immigrants and descending from them himself, patient insists that “real Americans are born here,” preferably at a golf course during a Reagan rally. Diagnostic Impression: Primary Diagnosis: Displaced Maternal Resentment Disorder (DMRD), with Border Security Preoccupations (ICD-10: OEDI-2024) Supporting Features: Pathological fear of immigrants “invading” America, possibly mirroring early trauma of being invaded by maternal affection and the scent of Scottish boiled cabbage. Obsessive need to build barriers, both physical (walls) and emotional (Twitter bans), t...

By the Ministry of Fairness for the Already Fortunate In a triumph for trickle-down economics and trickier accounting, President Trump today hailed the passage of the “Big Beautiful Bill” — a sweeping piece of legislation that finally fixes America’s greatest injustice: the persistent problem of poor people having any money at all. Dubbed “Operation Bootstrap Redistribution,” the bill heroically redirects funds from those who were just going to waste it on food, rent, and insulin anyway, and gives it to the wealthiest Americans — the Job Creators™, Visionaries™, and Yacht Enthusiasts™ who truly understand the economy because they once bought Twitter ads for a crypto startup. “Poor people have had their time in the sun,” Trump proclaimed at a press conference held aboard a floating golf course. “It’s time to give America back to the billionaires — the people who earned their money the old-fashioned way: through inheritance, offshore trusts, and lobbying.” Key Provisions of the Big Be...

“You’re welcome, America,” he says, while standing in front of a gas station charging $3.21. Mar-a-Lago, FL — In a triumphant address delivered from the golden driveway of his Palm Beach estate, President Donald J. Trump declared that, thanks to him and his policies, gas prices have plummeted to a "beautiful, tremendous" $2 per gallon. "Gas is now two dollars , folks. Maybe less! Some places, I hear, are giving it away. Some say it's even free if you just ask the attendant nicely and say ‘Trump sent me,’” Trump beamed, gesturing proudly to a digital gas price sign behind him that clearly read $3.21 . When informed of the actual national average price, Trump responded, “Fake numbers. Lies from the failing Gas Price Industrial Complex. I personally called Exxon and told them to lower it. They said, ‘Yes, sir!’ They cried, actually. Tears of patriotism.” He continued, “Under Biden, gas was basically caviar. Under me? It's water. Clean, beautiful fossil water. They ...

“We must end birthright citizenship — except for my family, obviously,” says man whose children were all born on U.S. soil to immigrant mothers. Palm Beach, FL — In his latest crusade to protect America from the terrifying threat of newborn babies with hospital bracelets, former President Donald Trump has once again called for the repeal of birthright citizenship , arguing it was “never meant to apply to random babies born here — only to the right babies, like mine.” But constitutional scholars and late-night comedians quickly pointed out the obvious: if birthright citizenship is repealed retroactively , several of Trump's children — namely those born to immigrant mothers on American soil — could be eligible for deportation under the very policy he now champions. “It’s simple: if you’re born here, but your mom wasn’t a real American, you gotta go,” said Trump at a rally. He was later reminded that Melania Trump became a U.S. citizen after giving birth to Barron Trump , prompt...

“Whoever leaked this fake treason will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law,” vows Trump’s legal team with a straight face. Mar-a-Lago, FL — President Donald Trump and his inner circle are in full outrage mode after leaked intelligence reports contradicted Trump’s triumphant claim that the recent bombing of Iran had “completely obliterated” its nuclear program. “This leak is a national security catastrophe,” said Trump spokesperson Brickland Patriot IV. “The American people were supposed to believe we bombed Iran back to the Stone Age. Now this so-called intelligence report comes out and says the nuclear facilities are still operational ? Totally unacceptable. Also, fake.” The report, leaked to several media outlets over the weekend, states that “Iran’s nuclear infrastructure sustained minimal damage,” and “key enrichment facilities were not impacted.” It also noted that “the strikes appeared more theatrical than strategic, possibly designed for political optics.” Trump, fur...

Dear Aunt Patriotica, Please help. I’m a deeply devoted public servant — let’s just say my initials are PB , and I hold a little position called Attorney General . I’ve recently pardoned several upstanding American citizens who were very enthusiastic about their love for velvet ropes, broken windows, and lightly toppling democracy on January 6th. Anyway, someone recently had the audacity to ask me if pardoning these folks — many of whom attacked Capitol Police, local D.C. officers, and even federal agents — might constitute a betrayal of law enforcement. I was shocked . I love law enforcement! I wear flag pins! I’ve shaken hands with at least two sheriffs! I reminded the rude person that no one should interfere with federal police operations… except apparently me, because technically I just did. Now I’m spiraling. Can I still be pro-police if I pardon people who beat them with flagpoles? Is “backing the blue” conditional if the blue gets in the way of my boss’s base? Please advise....

Trump Demands Nobel Peace Prize for “Masterminding Theater of the Century” By Patriotica Truthington April 1st, Every Year In a stunning display of international stagecraft that would make Broadway blush, the United States, Iran, and Israel have reportedly wrapped up the world’s first fully scripted geopolitical conflict — complete with fake explosions, pre-agreed targets, and a post-strike press conference where everyone claimed to have "won." Sources confirmed that before last weekend’s U.S. bombing raid on Iran, Washington quietly notified Tehran through a backchannel marked “Totally Not a War Plot.” Iran, in turn, graciously scheduled its retaliation for Tuesday morning after breakfast, promising a “symbolic but noisy” strike on U.S. and Israeli assets that were, quote, “entirely empty and mostly decorative.” One senior Pentagon official, speaking on condition of choreographed anonymity, described the operation as “a highly coordinated episode of international theater.” ...

Washington, D.C. — In a surprise Monday press conference held in the parking lot of a Bass Pro Shop, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth declared the recent U.S. bombing raid on Iran a “resounding operational triumph,” citing the fact that there were absolutely no leaks — or, as he proudly put it, “not even a sniff.” “I’ve seen tighter group chats in middle school,” Hegseth boasted. “But this? This was Fort Knox. Nobody leaked anything. Not even a hint on Signals Chat--no reporters, nothing! That’s how you know it was flawless.” When asked how the administration managed to keep the raid so under wraps, Hegseth offered a bold explanation: “Because the president didn’t even tell me. I showed up thinking it was a prayer breakfast and suddenly we’re launching precision strikes against Iran. Brilliant move. Caught me totally off guard, and I’m the Secretary of Defense!” White House insiders confirmed that the operation’s secrecy was maintained via an elite-level communications strategy: not ...

Mar-a-Lago, FL — President Donald J. Trump has once again found himself the victim of a vast, cruel conspiracy: a Federal Reserve that simply refuses to follow his expert economic instincts. In a caps-locked Truth Social screed posted at 2:13 a.m. (Eastern Standard Delusion), Trump lamented: “JEROME POWELL IS A DISASTER! The Fed is supposed to listen to the President,! I know interest rates better than ANYONE — ask anyone! Rate cuts NOW!!!” Sources close to the president say the meltdown began after he learned that the Fed would once again not cut interest rates, despite what he described as "perfect economic conditions": a ballooning national debt, rising consumer prices, and a generous helping of Trump-imposed tariffs that economists have affectionately nicknamed “the flaming dumpster of inflationary pressure.” 💸 The Supreme Economist Strikes Again Trump, who famously once said “I alone can fix it,” has now extended that philosophy to monetary policy. In a Fox News ca...

June 21, 2025 | Mar-a-Lago, The World’s Most Stable Genius Compound In what aides are calling a “historic diplomatic brainwave,” President Donald J. Trump has demanded the Nobel Peace Prize for thinking very hard about bringing peace to Ukraine, Gaza, and Iran — all at once, and all without actually doing anything. “LOOK, NOBODY’S EVER THOUGHT ABOUT WORLD PEACE THE WAY I HAVE,” Trump posted to Truth Social while reclining on a golf cart adorned with a Diet Coke dispenser. “THEY GAVE OBAMA A PEACE PRIZE FOR DOING NOTHING. I’M DOING EVEN MORE NOTHING, BUT SMARTER. BIGGER NOTHING. THE BEST NOTHING!” Sources inside Mar-a-Lago say Trump recently convened a secret international strategy meeting consisting of himself, a globe, and a Magic 8-Ball. After five minutes of spinning the globe and saying, “Let’s just not fight,” he declared the world “basically fixed.” Trump’s “Three-for-One Peace Plan” In an exclusive sit-down interview with Newsmax for Kids , Trump unveiled the “TRI-PEACE INITI...

June 21, 2025 | Reality Optional News Service In a bold piece of performance propaganda, conservative internet circles erupted this week with a now-viral image depicting President Joe Biden and Vice President Kamala Harris dressed in royal regalia, seated on gilded thrones, under the dramatic caption: “NO KINGS.” The text below accuses Democrats of an “authoritarian power grab” because... Kamala Harris exists and Trump lost in court. Critics say the meme raises important questions, such as: Have conservatives forgotten what authoritarianism actually means? Or are we now calling every political outcome we dislike a coup? Is the monarchy just a vibe now? The image, reportedly created in a basement using Microsoft Paint and pure rage, claims Democrats “skipped the primary” and “crowned Kamala” without a vote. Never mind the minor detail that Biden was the elected nominee in 2020, and that she was nominated at the Democratic Convention. But, you know, technicalities. Meanwhile, on the ...

June 20, 2025 | Mar-a-Lago Cafeteria (Private Chef Only) In a bold move to defend capitalism from “the creeping oatmeal of socialism,” President Donald J. Trump has announced a new campaign to end publicly funded school meals across America, calling them “the gateway drug to communism — first it’s lunch, then it’s Lenin.” At a fiery rally in Hungry Horse, Montana, Trump declared, “Back in my day, if you didn’t bring a sandwich, you didn’t eat. And you know what? That made us strong. That built character.” The announcement comes as school districts across the country, particularly in so-called “woke blue states,” have expanded access to free breakfast and lunch for all students — regardless of their ability to trade milk cartons or perform manual labor for tater tots. “These kids are getting French toast sticks, yogurt parfaits, even vegetables ! It’s a slippery slope,” Trump warned. “Pretty soon they’ll expect free healthcare, free housing, and free ketchup on their meatloaf.” Nati...

Dear Aunt Patriotica, A friend of mine (well, more of a powerful acquaintance with nuclear ambitions) has a, um… compromising video of me. I’m not saying it’s bad, but let’s just say it wasn’t my most Constitutionally flattering moment. I’ve tried to give him advice—like make peace, stop poisoning people, and maybe wear a shirt sometimes—but every time I speak up, he just smirks and says, “Do what I say, or the footage goes global.” I’m under a lot of pressure. Should I stand up for myself or keep letting him call the shots? Sincerely, Strong-ish Man in an Awkward Situation Dear Strong-ish Man, Oh honey, bless your red, white, and whimpering . You’ve got yourself into a classic Cold War cuddle trap! Let me put this gently, sugar: when your “friend” has dirt on you, and he’s shirtless, smirking, and possibly riding a bear while threatening you with kompromat… that’s not friendship. That’s hostage diplomacy with extra chest hair. You say you’ve been giving him advice ? Like what? “Hey ...

“Why should students without disabilities have to work under normal conditions?” asks the president  WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold move hailed by absolutely no disability advocates anywhere, the Trump administration has announced sweeping cuts to federal disability support programs in higher education, claiming the initiative will “finally make things fair for the average, non-disabled, hardworking, definitely-not-coddled American student.” In a Rose Garden press conference, President Trump declared: “We’re restoring balance. These disabled students, they get scribes, extra time, talking computers, emotional support animals— meanwhile the regular students get nothing. That’s not fair, folks. ” He then unveiled his new executive order: Equal Struggle for All , which eliminates federal funding for accommodations such as extended testing time, assistive technologies, note-taking services, and ramps that “ruin the clean lines of our beautiful American architecture.” New Motto: “If Yo...

ICE Targets ‘Violent Criminals,’ Arrests Taco Truck Workers and Daycare Dads Instead WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a stunning feat of political gymnastics, the Trump administration has declared itself “the most honest and transparent in history,” even as it breaks world records for lying with the speed and frequency of a malfunctioning Twitter bot. “We’ve never told a lie,” Trump proclaimed at a rally held in front of a 50-foot inflatable bald eagle. “Except when we did, but those lies were true. Many people are saying that. Smart people. The best liars—I mean truth-tellers.” Fact-checkers have reportedly gone on strike, citing exhaustion, eye strain, and “existential dread.” ICE Raids Focus on Violent Criminals, Accidentally Deport Grandma The administration continues to insist that Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) is laser-focused on “violent criminal aliens,” even as footage continues to surface of ICE agents tackling tamale vendors , handcuffing single moms at bus stops , and ra...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — After thousands of Americans flooded the Nthe streets of cities throughout the country chanting “No Kings!” in protest of President Trump’s increasingly autocratic behavior, the president took to the podium outside the White House to deliver a rebuttal soaked in ego, confusion, and vague admiration for shirtless horseback riding. “I’ve heard people are upset,” Trump began, flanked by guards in red caps and capes. “They’re saying ‘no kings,’ and I agree. I’m not a king. Kings wear silly crowns and wave like they’re in a parade. I wave like a leader. A strong leader. Maybe like Putin. Maybe stronger.” He paused for applause from a small group of supporters who had been bused in and promised free steaks. “Being a strongman is not monarchy—it’s leadership with muscles.” Trump emphasized that he was “totally not interested” in hereditary rule, despite recently renaming his youngest son Baron Supreme Jr. and appointing Ivanka as “First Daughter of the Realm.” “I’m not ...

By: The Bureau of Manufactured Outrage In a bold move that redefines both strategy and irrelevance, the 2024 presidential race has zeroed in on the nation’s most urgent issue: how to stop transgender people from quietly existing. Despite making up less than 0.6% of the U.S. population, transgender Americans have somehow emerged as Public Enemy Number One in the eyes of politicians, pundits, and anyone who’s run out of actual problems to solve. “Sure, the planet’s on fire, housing is unaffordable, and half the country is drowning in medical debt,” said one campaign strategist. “But have you seen this fourth grader who wants to play volleyball? This is the battleground of our time. ” The Republican National Committee recently unveiled its 2024 slogan: “Bathrooms, Not Budgets.” The Democratic response? A hesitant half-apology and a task force that meets biannually to discuss feelings. Cable news outlets, desperate to keep the nation angry and glued to the screen, have committed to cover...

By: The Department of Selective Outrage In a miraculous feat of journalistic sleight-of-hand, violence against Muslims in the United States has once again managed to vanish into the mist—unnoticed, unreported, and apparently unimportant. It’s not that the hate crimes aren’t happening. It’s just that America, with its finely tuned radar for selective empathy, simply prefers to keep one eye open and one tightly shut. Last week, an elderly Muslim man was assaulted outside a mosque in broad daylight. There were no breaking news alerts, no think pieces in major outlets, no emergency summits on religious tolerance. The local police did, however, release a statement reassuring the public that the incident was “likely not hate-related,” despite the attacker reportedly screaming, “Go back to your terrorist cave!” Meanwhile, 1,200 miles away, someone scribbled a swastika on a synagogue’s bathroom stall—and rightfully so, the country erupted in outrage. The president issued a statement, major new...