Truthliness News

Letter #444:  From: TG (Totally Gabbard, Definitely Not Imagining Things) Subject: Should I go public with my re-analysis of 2016 Russian interference and Obama’s suspicious behavior? Dear Oracle, Longtime first-time. I’m writing with a dilemma of national importance—perhaps even planetary if you consider how global truth ripples through the psychic field of vibrational democracy (a concept I coined after a brief ayahuasca journey). So here’s the sitch. You may remember the whole “Russia interfered in the 2016 election” narrative that every news outlet, intelligence agency, and high-functioning adult accepted as fact? Well, I’ve been looking at that again… and I have a different take. What if—and stay with me here—the real crime wasn’t Russian meddling… but the claim that there was Russian meddling? I’ve connected the dots using my highly calibrated gut, three YouTube channels, and a deck of Freedom Oracle tarot cards. The result? It’s looking increasingly like President ...

By Liberty Blinders, Correspondent for The Patriotically Persecuted Post In a stunning act of courageous hypocrisy, the Trump 2029 administration has once again taken a bold stand against the politicization of the Department of Justice—by aggressively politicizing it themselves. “We had no choice,” said Attorney General Tucker Carlson, wearing a powdered wig made entirely of shredded Hillary Clinton emails. “We had to neutralize the Deep State by making the DOJ shallow and deeply loyal.” Critics claim this reeks of double standards, but officials insist it’s simply equal and opposite retribution . “For four years, we screamed about Biden’s so-called ‘weaponized DOJ,’” explained Deputy Attorney General Kimberly Guilfoyle during her press briefing-slash-blood ritual. “Now we’re just taking that weapon and aiming it back—at librarians, scientists, and everyone who ever rolled their eyes at a Trump tweet.” Upon taking office again, Trump immediately launched the "Department of Just Us...

By Patri O’Tism, Senior Fellow at the Institute for Circular Logic In a bold move to defend democracy from the ravages of democracy, America’s most patriotic patriots have taken a principled stand: the 2020 election was rigged, stolen, corrupt, compromised, fraudulent, infiltrated, and possibly haunted. And thus— obviously —any and all attempts to overturn its results were not just legitimate, but holy acts of constitutional cosplay. Led by a man who once claimed that Ted Cruz’s father killed JFK and that windmills cause cancer, the movement to “Stop the Steal” has demonstrated an ironclad commitment to facts—so long as those facts are delivered via meme, shouted from a rally stage, or spoken in a very loud voice on cable news between ads for reverse mortgages. “We love the Constitution,” one protester shouted while climbing the Capitol steps in a buffalo headdress. “That’s why we’re using bear spray on Capitol Police—to protect Article Two, or maybe Article Eleven. Whichever one says ...

By Flip Flopwell, Senior Correspondent for the Department of Cognitive Dissonance WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold move that stunned economists, philosophers, and anyone still trying to follow the plot, President Donald J. Trump demanded that Walmart “quit whining” about rising costs due to tariffs, arguing that “big, rich, powerful companies should absorb the costs like real Americans—silently and with a smile.” This comes just months after Candidate Trump furiously warned that Democrats were trying to destroy capitalism by vilifying American corporations. “They want to tax the job creators, regulate your cheeseburgers, and outlaw your plastic straws,” Trump thundered at a 2024 rally. “It’s pure socialism. Next thing you know, they’ll be telling Walmart what to charge for deodorant!” Now, in the latest episode of The Apprentice: Trade War Edition , President Trump has taken to the White House lawn to scold Walmart executives. “They’re making billions. Billions with a B! They can take a l...

By Patriot McFreedom, Staff Writer for The Lone Star Sentinel AUSTIN, TX — In a bold move to protect its citizens from an ever-looming threat that exists mainly in the minds of certain talk radio hosts, the Texas legislature has voted—unanimously and for the seventh time in twelve years—to ban Sharia Law. “Even though Sharia Law has never been practiced in Texas, and there’s no indication that it ever will be, we wanted to send a strong message to radical hypothetical scenarios,” said State Senator Buck Godspeed (R-Horsepower County), the bill’s author. “This is about freedom. Specifically, the freedom to ban things we don’t understand.” The bill, titled the God, Guns, and Good Old Common Law Act, will prohibit courts in Texas from referencing, implementing, or even pronouncing anything that “sounds foreign or scary.” A special appendix also bans hummus from courthouse cafeterias “just in case.” Governor Greg Abbott held a signing ceremony at a BBQ joint outside Waco, where he scrawled...

By Buckley Colt, Patriot Dispatch Weekly FORT COURAGE, FL — In an exclusive interview from the freedom-loving safe space of his RV parked behind an abandoned Cracker Barrel, former January 6th attendee Chad “LibertyFist88” Grundle took time to recount the harrowing saga of his three-week incarceration following his felony trespassing conviction for patriotically smearing queso dip on the Capitol Rotunda floor. “It was hell,” Chad begins, steely-eyed, wearing a flag bandana and a sleeveless “Trump Won, Get Over It” hoodie. “They made me walk—get this— 87 steps to use a computer.” Grundle says he was forced to endure this journey daily just to send urgent messages like “Free the patriots!” to his 34 Telegram subscribers and post memes comparing his plight to that of Jesus, Mandela, and Mel Gibson in The Patriot. “And the Wi-Fi?” he scoffs. “It would sometimes take, like, four whole seconds to load Breitbart. I had to wait , bro. In PRISON.” But Chad’s real fury ignites when he shifts...

By Rex Tarnation, Senior Editor, American Grievance Digest Washington, D.C. — In a stunning twist that would make even QAnon say “wait, what?” Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard (Independent-Contrarian) held a press conference today where she unveiled what she called the “Obama Files”—a trove of top-secret documents allegedly showing that Barack Obama once... read a book in French, owned three bicycles made in China, and once whistled the Iranian national anthem under his breath while eating arugula. Naturally, conservatives across the country erupted in celebration. Rep. Jim Jordan immediately tore off his jacket in patriotic ecstasy. Fox News changed its chyron to read “BREAKING: OBAMA PROBABLY COMMITTED TREASON IN 2016, TULSI GABBARD SAVES THE REPUBLIC.” Glenn Beck wept openly into a Constitution-shaped handkerchief. Yet even as MAGA nation rallied behind their new hero, an uncomfortable truth lingered in the air like a fart in a Capitol Hill elevator: Tulsi Gabbard w...

By Cletus J. Hoggins, MAGA Pundit, Part-Time Constitutional Scholar, Full-Time Patriot Listen up, America. While the woke mob is out here canceling Mr. Potato Head and trying to teach your kids that FDR wasn’t a socialist, I’ve been cooking up the solution to all our nation’s problems from the comfort of my garage studio, right between my "Let’s Go Brandon" banner and my life-size cardboard cutout of Ronald Reagan. And the answer is one beautiful, brilliant word: TARIFFS . That’s right. Tariffs are basically free money for the United States. Foreigners send us their junk, we slap a fee on it, and we keep the cash . It’s like robbing a burglar and then invoicing him for the inconvenience. Let’s break this down for the soy-brained economists and liberal “experts” who think the Federal Reserve isn’t just a deep state ATM. When we import a microwave from China, we put a 25% tariff on it. Who pays it? China, obviously. They send us the microwave and a check. That’s just how tari...

By Chuck “Bald Eagle” Rawlins, Reporting for The Patriot Tattler WAYCROSS, GEORGIA — Local MAGA scholar and self-proclaimed “Alpha Patriot” Randy J. Cletus took a break from polishing his AR-15 and re-watching Tucker reruns on VHS to finally explain to the world why liberals— excuse me , libtards—hate America so much . “I’ll put it in real simple English,” Randy said, chewing a Slim Jim and adjusting his American flag do-rag. “Libtards hate freedom, Jesus, and gas-powered trucks. That’s it. That’s the trifecta. If it burns fossil fuel, quotes the Bible, or tastes like bacon, they’re against it.” Randy, whose political education comes entirely from memes, gut feelings, and an uncle who once saw Joe Biden in a Cracker Barrel parking lot, believes liberals want to destroy America “because they’re jealous they weren’t born in the part of the country that matters—like Alabama.” “Think about it,” Randy explained, using a 2007 Dale Earnhardt Jr. commemorative plate as a whiteboard. “Libtards...

By Liberty McFreedom, Contributor to “Truth, Justice, and the Fox News Way” In a stunning turn of events that absolutely no one on Earth saw coming (except everyone), patriotic conservative Hank W. Bunker of Tulsa, Oklahoma has declared former President Barack Obama guilty of high treason —not for weaponizing the IRS, not for wearing a tan suit, not even for letting Michelle tell kids to eat vegetables—but for the unforgivable crime of… investigating Russian election interference . “Obama shoulda just let Putin have his say!” Bunker said angrily while waving a Constitution-themed fidget spinner. “Investigating Russia was a direct attack on Donald Trump, and by extension, America. And by ‘America,’ I mean me. And by ‘me,’ I mean white Christian grievance culture.” According to Bunker, who holds a PhD in YouTube Comments, any attempt to look into foreign meddling in a U.S. election is “a deep state psy-op designed to embarrass Donald J. Trump, Savior of the Free World™.” When pressed on...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Outrage erupted on conservative media this week after it was revealed that several aides to former President Joe Biden invoked the Fifth Amendment when questioned about the now-infamous Autopen Incident — a scandal involving the automatic signing of a routine veterans’ benefits bill while Biden was attending a groundbreaking ceremony for an Amtrak-themed dog park. “THIS IS WORSE THAN WATERGATE!” shouted Fox News anchor Chad Freedom, whose tie gradually transformed into an American flag mid-broadcast. “The American people deserve to know who programmed the autopen, who pressed the button, and whether Biden even knew he was president that day.” Republican Congressman Buford McDrapes (R-Tantrum) immediately called for hearings. “This is a blatant violation of the Constitution,” he declared. “We have to get to the bottom of this mechanical ink-stamping madness. Was the pen… woke ?” Meanwhile, MAGA influencers on Truth Social suggested that the autopen may have been hac...

MONTICELLO (TIME-TRAVEL SIMULATION CHAMBER) — In a shocking yet educational clash of centuries, modern-day MAGA enthusiast Rick "RedHat" Mulligan was accidentally teleported to 1803, where he immediately confronted President Thomas Jefferson about what he deemed the Founding Fathers' "obvious oversight" in granting religious liberty to, quote, “people who pray to some terrorist moon god.” Wearing an American flag tank top, cargo shorts, and a hat that read “1776% American,” Mulligan barged into Jefferson’s parlor waving a pocket-sized Constitution he bought at Cracker Barrel. “Mr. President,” Mulligan began, “I’m here from the future, and we need to talk about Muslims. They weren’t what you call a ‘thing’ back in your time, so obviously, y’all didn’t mean to include them in that freedom of religion stuff, right?” Jefferson, who had been quietly drafting a letter to James Madison while sipping Madeira wine, set down his quill, arched an eyebrow, and replied, “Si...

FREEDOM GULCH, TEXAS — After over a decade of stewing in righteous indignation, a coalition of concerned conservative patriots has finally come forward with the definitive list of President Barack Obama’s many, many crimes — a list that includes everything from using Dijon mustard to wearing a tan suit, and maybe even being born. “He had to be guilty of something,” said local conspiracy historian Cletus T. Hankins, while assembling a corkboard labeled ObamaGateGate . “You don’t just get elected president with a law degree, no scandals, and a family that doesn’t embarrass you on TikTok. That’s criminal activity right there.” Asked to specify exactly what crimes Obama committed during his presidency, Cletus cleared his throat and launched into a detailed indictment: The Crimes of Barack Hussein Obama (According to People Who Can't Define "Indictment"): Wore a Tan Suit in the White House. “It was a direct assault on the sanctity of the Oval Office,” said Fox & Frien...

CRANBERRY FALLS, OH — In a brave display of willful ignorance, local conservative patriot Tucker “Red, White, and Righteous” McGee launched into a 37-minute tirade against Islam during a backyard barbecue this weekend, citing “clear and present danger to American values,” all while holding a Coors Light and grilling hot dogs next to a burning copy of the Quran he claimed he “found on the ground near the library.” “I mean, it’s obvious,” Tucker began, gesturing wildly with a bottle of lighter fluid. “Islam is all about forcing women into bags, banning bacon, and yelling stuff in Arabic at airports. They hate our freedom, our Budweiser, and our God-given right to shoot squirrels with AR-15s.” Asked to clarify where he had learned about Islam, Tucker cited “some memes on Facebook,” a TikTok from someone named @RealCrusaderBro, and “a very credible source” known only as “Joe Rogan’s vibes.” Witnesses say that was when local liberal, college graduate, and self-declared “intersectional empa...

by Gabriel Cherubstein, Heaven & Earth News Network In a move that shocked the nation and reportedly thrilled focus groups, sources close to the Almighty revealed that God personally intervened to redirect an assassin’s bullet away from former President Donald J. Trump—while simultaneously allowing it to fatally strike a local firefighter—because, in His words, “It needed drama.” Witnesses at the rally recall a moment of divine tension as the bullet flew toward Trump, only to veer upward at the last millisecond, grazing his ear in what theologians are now calling “The Blessed Scratch.” “God doesn’t miss,” said Pastor Buck T. Holster, evangelical influencer and amateur ballistics analyst. “That bullet was on a one-way mission to martyrdom, but the Lord rewrote the script. He made Trump a holy action hero instead.” When asked why the firefighter—a father of three and local volunteer hero—was not afforded the same celestial protection, heavenly spokesangel Gabriel issued a press relea...

  By Truthy McSatire, Senior Editor of Things That Never Happened but People Believe Anyway TEXOMA COUNTY, USA — Clutching a Facebook meme and a lukewarm McRib, local patriot Brenda Jean Worthington passionately explained this week that undocumented immigrants— “illegals,” in her words—cross the border, “illegally, of course,” and are instantly handed “a benefits buffet that would make the neediest, bravest veteran weep.” “I mean, come on,” said Brenda Jean, lighting a Freedom Candle™ from Hobby Lobby. “They cross the Rio Grande, and boom—free food, free housing, a Tesla, probably a scholarship to Harvard and a gift card to Target!” Brenda’s nephew, a veteran who has spent the last six months waiting for a basic medical referral from the VA, was unavailable for comment due to being stuck on hold with the Veterans Crisis Line. Liberal Tries to Gently Intervene, Fails Immediately Area liberal Marcus Feldman made the fatal error of entering the conversation by mentioning t...

By Clara Rationale, Senior Correspondent for Useless Facts Liberals Keep Citing ELKHORN FALLS, USA — In what experts are calling “the intellectual equivalent of yelling into a leaf blower,” local liberal Jessica Morales made the critical mistake of attempting to show her conservative neighbor, Bob “I Know What I Know” Wexler, peer-reviewed facts about undocumented immigrants. Armed with a Congressional Budget Office report, a few IRS statistics, and an extremely polite tone, Jessica explained that: Most undocumented immigrants pay income, sales, and property taxes . Many contribute billions to Social Security using Individual Taxpayer Identification Numbers (ITINs). They cannot access those Social Security benefits due to their undocumented status. Their labor supports entire industries , including agriculture, construction, and hospitality. Bob responded by calling her “a woke idiot who probably thinks drag queens should run the military.” “They Still Broke the Law” “...

By Blayne Q. Dunning, Patriot Gazette Contributor and Full-Time Facebook Meme Archaeologist TOPEKA, KANSAS — In a shocking exposé sure to rattle the foundations of scientific consensus and basic math, self-proclaimed truth seeker and part-time lawn care specialist Kyle “RedPillPatriot1776” Davidson took to X (formerly Twitter) this week to declare that Dr. Anthony Fauci is “the biggest mass murderer since Stalin,” citing “obvious facts” such as vaccinated people still getting colds and “the creepy way he wears his glasses.” Kyle, who has not spoken to a licensed physician since 2007 when he got pinkeye from a Red Lobster, alleges that COVID-19 vaccines have caused more deaths than every war, famine, and tragic bounce house accident in human history— combined. “Think about it,” Kyle posted from his Android phone with a bald eagle banner and a watermark from “FreedomEagle.Facts.biz.” “Fauci made us wear masks, injected us with God knows what, and told us not to go to Applebee’s. That...

By Common Sense’s Last Known Witness X (formerly Twitter) – In a heartwarming tale of optimism being violently dismembered in real time, 32-year-old Brian Maplethorpe, a self-described “civic-minded amateur philosopher,” logged onto X this week for the first time and posted what he believed was a “reasonable and unifying thought.” “I just think deep down, both sides, conservatives and liberals, love America and want it to succeed. They just have different approaches,” Brian tweeted at 9:42 a.m. By 9:47 a.m., he was trending under #CentristClown. Brian’s post—a digital dove released into a hurricane—was immediately met with a bipartisan torrent of rage, sarcasm, and thinly veiled death threats. Conservative Reaction: “Deep State Sympathizer with a Soy Brain” Within minutes, right-wing influencers accused Brian of being a “paid George Soros shill” and possibly a lizard. “Oh, so we just have different opinions about open borders, child mutilation, and Marxism? Got it, RETARD,” wrote @Fr...

By Baffie Newsworthy, Senior Reporter of Things That Shouldn’t Surprise Us Anymore BUTTERCUP, TEXAS — Chaos erupted in the quiet town of Buttercup this week when Gregory Alan Peterson , a mild-mannered librarian and recreational beekeeper, gave birth to a healthy 7-pound baby boy, sending neighbors into a frenzy of disbelief, Google searches, and poorly informed Facebook posts. “Wait... can men do that now? Like, biologically? Or is this one of them TikTok filters?” asked town councilman Steve Gibbons, while slowly backing away from his gender reveal cannon. The twist? Gregory isn’t a trans man, a biological woman in disguise, or a Russian government experiment. He’s simply intersex — born with both male and female biological characteristics — a fact he’s known (and been cool with) his whole life. “I told people I was intersex for years,” Gregory said from his hospital bed, breastfeeding his newborn while his husband folded onesies in the corner. “But I guess they thought I meant I...

By Chad Freedom-Eagle & Riley Wokeberg | A Joint Op-Ed from Opposite Realities Somewhere in a Facebook Comment Section, America — In today’s deeply divided nation, one man stands at the center of an epic battle between science, philanthropy, and sheer internet-fueled paranoia: Bill Gates , the billionaire tech wizard turned global health philanthropist turned shadowy villain in the cinematic universe of MAGA Facebook memes. We now present both sides of the argument — for educational and comedic purposes. 🎩 The MAGA Perspective: "Bill Gates Is Trying to Vaccinate Me to Death" By Chad Freedom-Eagle, Part-Time Patriot, Full-Time Facebook Warrior Listen folks, open your eyes. Bill Gates ain’t saving the world — he’s thinning the herd . That’s right. You think he’s giving out “free vaccines” out of the kindness of his soy-filled heart? No, he’s running a global depopulation scheme! Why else would a billionaire with no medical degree be interested in public health? I mean, co...

By Trutherina Q. Koolaid, Senior Correspondent for The Daily Distraction Mar-a-Lago, FL — In a stunning display of integrity, consistency, and complete memory loss, former and current future President Donald J. Trump has once again promised to “fully declassify and release the Epstein files” — a claim he has now made in five different election cycles while releasing exactly zero files and also somehow gaining weight. “I will release the Epstein files on Day One ,” Trump said at a rally in Alabama, to thunderous applause from red-capped believers who believe Epstein trafficked children for Hillary Clinton. “You have a right to know who was on that plane. Unless it was me, of course — which it wasn’t. I flew private, very private. The most private.” Day One Arrives… and Files Magically Vanish On January 20th, 2025, Trump returned to the White House, this time carrying only a Sharpie, a stack of fast food wrappers, and a crumpled golf scorecard listing “Epstein stuff??” under “To-Do (M...

By Buckley T. Virtuemarch, columnist for The Traditional Torch For too long, America has been overrun by radicals insisting that people be allowed to live authentically and experience joy . But now, thanks to the heroic work of “reparative therapy” programs and prayer camps with suspiciously muscular pastors, we’re finally turning the tide! The Science of the Soul Sure, so-called “doctors” and “major medical associations” have denounced conversion therapy as harmful, unethical, and ineffective. But what do they know? They're just scientists. I trust Pastor Dale , who cured his own son’s “identity crisis” using nothing but a Bible, a paintball retreat, and two months of mandatory eye contact with cheerleaders. Meet Carl: America’s First “Successfully Converted” Gay Man* Carl (last name withheld because his parents are still hoping he’ll vanish quietly) now leads a totally heterosexual life. He’s married to a woman named Susan, whom he high-fives affectionately every evening before...