Truthliness News

Some people fantasize about winning the lottery. Others daydream about quitting their job and moving to a cabin in the woods. Conservative Twitter personalities, however, are busy praying to the algorithm for the day a trans person commits a mass shooting in the “perfect” setting: a Catholic school, during Mass, in front of Fox News cameras. In what they describe as “the Super Bowl of culture war talking points,” pundits imagine logging on to their feeds and finally getting the content they crave. “Do you know how many retweets I could farm from that?” one anonymous influencer was overheard saying, eyes glazed, hands trembling over the caps-lock key. “I’d finally be verified again!” Experts note that fewer than one-tenth of one percent of mass shooters are transgender, but such pesky math doesn’t fit the dream. In this imagined scenario, Twitter conservatives get everything they’ve ever wanted: a headline tailor-made to fuel 72 consecutive hours of rage-tweeting, Fox News segments, and...

In the latest installment of “Things That Don’t Add Up, but Get Retweeted Anyway,” conservative Twitter personalities have once again declared that transgender people are the root cause of America’s mass shootings, potholes, inflation, and the fact that McDonald’s ice cream machines never work. This, despite a pesky little statistic: fewer than one-tenth of one percent of mass shooters are transgender. That’s right—less than the odds of being struck by lightning while simultaneously holding a winning lottery ticket . But statistics are boring, and boring doesn’t go viral. Instead, conservative influencers have decided that reality itself is a left-wing conspiracy. “If 99.9% of shooters aren’t trans, then obviously the media is covering for them,” tweeted one blue-check pundit whose profile picture is a bald eagle wearing Oakleys. “Do the math, people!” (Math, notably, has not been returning their calls.) Another commentator insisted, “Even if there’s only one trans shooter in the his...

 Washington, D.C. — President Donald J. Trump, America’s self-proclaimed “most patriotic man who’s ever lived,” has once again dazzled his followers by draping himself in the American flag like a sequined Vegas cape—while simultaneously signing another executive order that body-slams the U.S. Constitution into the nearest dumpster. Trump, whose political philosophy can best be described as “Stars, Stripes, and Sharpies,” apparently believes the flag is not a symbol of a nation governed by laws but rather a decorative poncho he can wear while declaring himself Supreme Arbiter of All Things American. “Look, nobody loves the Constitution more than me,” Trump said yesterday while straddling a life-size bald eagle statue and waving the flag like a rodeo clown on caffeine. “But the Constitution, frankly, is very overrated. Too many words, not enough pictures. The flag, though—beautiful flag—it’s like a big red, white, and blue hug from George Washington himself. That’s what America’s a...

  In the latest zoological discovery, scientists have confirmed that MAGA supporters and their leader Donald J. Trump share a striking similarity with ostriches: whenever confronted with uncomfortable facts, they immediately bury their heads in the sand. The key difference, experts note, is that ostriches eventually come up for air, while MAGA voters are still waiting for Hillary’s emails to be released by WikiLeaks. At a rally in Florida, Trump proudly declared, “Ostriches are very smart, very strong birds. People don’t know this, but they’re saying ‘Sir, you’re just like an ostrich, you see fake news and you bury, bury, bury.’ And I do it better than anyone. Tremendous bird, really classy.” The Ostrich Strategy When confronted with reports that contradict their worldview—such as unemployment numbers, climate science, or Trump’s golf scores—MAGA ostriches engage in a synchronized head-burying maneuver. Within seconds, they retreat underground, emerging only when Newsmax or OAN con...

In a dramatic Oval Office announcement this morning, President Donald J. Trump declared a full-scale War on Higher Education after learning the shocking news that college graduates tend to vote more liberal. “I just found out something very disturbing,” Trump said, waving a half-empty Diet Coke can for emphasis. “The more college you go to, the less you like me. That’s called discrimination, folks. Discrimination against Trump. Very unfair.” The Advisor’s Revelation According to insiders, Trump first became aware of the so-called “education gap” during a briefing on polling data. When he demanded an explanation, one of his top advisors—who proudly notes he “never wasted time in one of those Marxist book factories”—offered a simple theory: “They brainwash you in college, Mr. President. It’s all Marx, Marx, Marx. You read a couple books and suddenly you think billionaires shouldn’t get tax cuts? That’s permanent brain damage right there.” Trump reportedly gasped, muttering, “So coll...

In what he described as “the greatest humanitarian mission since Jesus handed out free loaves and fishes,” President Donald J. Trump officially launched his War on Homelessness this week, a sweeping campaign to “clean up the streets, beautify America, and make the cities great again by moving the homeless somewhere very far away—nobody knows where, but it’s tremendous.” Trump unveiled his plan in front of a freshly power-washed tent encampment that mysteriously disappeared the night before. Flanked by cheering MAGA supporters waving “Make Sidewalks Clean Again” hats, Trump declared: “We love the homeless, we really do, but not in front of my hotels. We’re relocating them to luxury camps—beautiful camps, the best camps—where they’ll be tremendously productive, maybe making Trump-branded sleeping bags. Everybody wins.” The Strategy The War on Homelessness is modeled after Trump’s favorite military playbook: lots of tough talk, flashy parades, and no clear strategy beyond “round them ...

Palm Beach, FL — In what many are calling the most predictable plot twist since The Apprentice Season 2, President Donald J. Trump has reportedly filed for divorce from his wife, Melania, after she dared to suggest he might be—brace yourself—slightly overweight. The incident allegedly began during a casual dinner at Mar-a-Lago, when Melania, while passing the butter, quipped, “Maybe no seconds tonight.” Sources say Trump’s fork froze mid-air, his face turned the same shade as a well-done steak, and he immediately shouted, “You’re FIRED!” before realizing divorce papers would be needed instead. “He treats marriage the same way he treats his Cabinet,” one insider explained. “If you deliver numbers he doesn’t like—poll numbers, job numbers, or bathroom scale numbers—you’re out.” Staffers say this is part of a long pattern: Melania’s suggestion was the final straw after years of hinting that Diet Coke is not, in fact, a health supplement. “She once suggested he try vegetables that weren...

In a shocking turn of events that absolutely has nothing to do with politics, the FBI recently searched the home of former National Security Advisor and mustache aficionado John Bolton. According to officials, the search was “totally normal,” “by the book,” and in no way connected to the fact that Bolton is a Trump critic whose best-selling hobby is telling anyone with a microphone that the former president is unfit for office. “This isn’t weaponization,” insisted one Justice Department spokesperson, polishing a battering ram. “We’d raid anyone’s home if they had the audacity to publish a tell-all book that embarrassed a sitting president. That’s just standard operating procedure.” Critics suggested the raid was suspiciously timed, but the FBI clarified that it was merely coincidence. “Our schedule was open this week between searching Melania’s shoe closet and monitoring PTA meetings for terrorist activity,” explained an agent, noting that “Bolton’s house was on the way to Chick-fil-A....

In what experts are calling “the most dangerous rebrand since Mr. Potato Head dropped his honorific,” Cracker Barrel has introduced a new logo—and America’s most vigilant culture warriors are already on high alert. The design, which reportedly features a slightly rounder “C” and a warmer shade of gold, has been accused of containing “subliminal rainbow energy” by a coalition of Facebook groups with names like Real America for Real Breakfast Foods Only . “They’re trying to sneak gayness in between the biscuits and gravy,” warned one concerned father who admitted he hadn’t actually seen the new logo yet but “just knew.” Another critic claimed the “swoop” in the lettering “definitely looks like a Pride parade float if you squint and tilt your head sideways.” Meanwhile, a viral post insists the rocking chair hidden in the design is “a coded message that encourages children to sit down and think about whether they’re straight at all.” Cracker Barrel has denied the allegations, insisting tha...

History, as any responsible government will tell you, is not about the messy details of what actually happened. No, history is about making sure your nation looks like the protagonist in every possible scenario. After all, why should schoolchildren be burdened with uncomfortable facts when they could be learning how every decision ever made by their country was, in fact, benevolent, visionary, and just a little bit heroic? Take, for example, the treatment of Native Americans. While some so-called “historians” will whine about land theft, forced relocation, and broken treaties, the true patriot knows this was simply a centuries-long wellness retreat. Think about it: the Trail of Tears wasn’t a forced march—it was an early version of an endurance fitness challenge, designed to build character and community! Reservations? Not imposed confinement—just government-sponsored Airbnbs with scenic views. And boarding schools? Clearly advanced cultural exchange programs, where children generously...

Mar-a-Lago, FL—In yet another attempt to rewrite American history with his trademark confidence and none of the facts, President Trump announced yesterday that slavery was actually “a wonderful humanitarian mission” designed to “house, feed, and give jobs” to what he repeatedly called “illegal black immigrants from Africa.” “Yes, folks, they were immigrants,” Trump told a small crowd of loyalists sipping sweet tea under a gilded tent. “They didn’t fill out the forms, they didn’t come through Ellis Island like the Irish, but we—America—gave them jobs. Jobs they would never have had! Some people say it was bad, but honestly, we treated them much better than their own countries did. Housing, food, plenty of exercise—sometimes even music. Tremendous music.” The audience applauded, though one supporter was later overheard whispering, “Didn’t Ellis Island open in the 1890s?” before being escorted out by security. Trump went on to compare plantation owners to modern-day job creators. “They ...

In a development that shocked absolutely no one except maybe the three people who still think Newsmax is a “serious news outlet,” the network has quietly settled with Dominion Voting Systems over its coverage of the 2020 election. The settlement, rumored to be worth a sum slightly less than Fox’s “$787 million please-don’t-make-us-go-to-trial” payment, marks the latest chapter in what legal experts are calling “Operation: We Swear We’ll Check Facts Next Time, Maybe.” Newsmax, long accused of treating facts like optional side dishes at an all-you-can-eat buffet, reportedly agreed to settle after realizing Dominion’s legal team had compiled 18 terabytes of “oopsies,” “well-actuallys,” and “our bads” from their broadcasts. One insider claimed executives only understood the gravity of the situation after a paralegal showed them a highlight reel of anchors confidently saying words like “algorithmic vote flipping” over stock footage of blinking lights and printer paper. “Newsmax continues to...

Washington, D.C. — President Volodymyr Zelensky arrived at the White House today for high-stakes negotiations with President Donald J. Trump wearing his now-iconic olive-green tee shirt. While the fashion choice has become his trademark wartime look, it caused Vice President J.D. Vance to erupt into what observers are calling “the loudest display of Midwestern passive-aggression since someone double-dipped at an Ohio potluck.” “THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!” Vance shouted, slamming his fist on the gilded coffee table Trump had recently renamed the “Resolute but Also Really Classy and Gold Table.” “You come into THIS White House, dressed like THAT, after President Trump went all the way to Alaska to beg Putin for a cease-fire on your behalf? UNGRATEFUL. Absolutely ungrateful!” Trump, sitting beneath a newly-installed portrait of himself shirtless on a horse, tried to calm his running mate. “J.D., relax. I like the tee shirt. It’s very casual Friday. I wish NATO had more guys in tee shirts, very ...

ANCHORAGE, AK — The highly anticipated Trump-Putin summit in Alaska concluded yesterday without achieving its central goal: an immediate cease-fire in Eastern Europe. But according to conservative pundits, the meeting was still a resounding success because, as one Fox anchor put it, “Trump looked like a man who could definitely bench-press Putin if it came to that.” The summit began with a ceremonial dog-sled arrival, where Trump reportedly told the crowd, “No one has ever sledded better than me. Even Santa Claus, very weak sledder, folks.” Inside the gilded meeting tent (lined, according to witnesses, with Trump’s signature fast-food wrappers for insulation), the two leaders huddled for four hours over bowls of lukewarm borscht. The Goal That Wasn’t White House aides had billed the summit as Trump’s chance to negotiate “the fastest peace deal in history — possibly 10 minutes, tops.” Instead, the talks ended with Putin smirking, Trump calling the talks “tremendous,” and both leaders si...

In a shocking revelation sure to rattle the kibble bowl of every American household, self-proclaimed “Pet Freedom Advocates” are claiming that required vaccines are causing dogs and cats to have shorter lifespans — sometimes as little as 12–15 years instead of the 60 or 70 years “God clearly intended.” “These shots are filled with microchips, toxins, and probably gluten,” barked Karen Whiskerson, founder of the Facebook group Paws Off Our Pets. “Why do you think cats sleep 18 hours a day? It’s not laziness. It’s vaccine fatigue.” Reports indicate that before the introduction of rabies and distemper shots, pets routinely lived long, fulfilling lives — working coal mines, filing taxes, and outliving three generations of owners. But after “mandatory vaccinations”? Suddenly Fluffy only lives long enough to ruin two couches instead of five. Coincidence? Wake up, sheeple. The Evidence (Kind Of) A viral TikTok shows a Labrador who “looked sad” after his booster. A neighbor swears her u...

In a bold move to “restore dignity” to the White House, President Donald J. Trump has reportedly completed a months-long renovation of the Oval Office—covering nearly every surface in pure, glistening gold. “This is how a real president works,” Trump told reporters, adjusting a pair of mirrored aviators to shield himself from the glare bouncing off the golden Resolute Desk. “No other president has ever had the courage, the vision, or the taste to make the people’s house truly great—truly shiny—again.” According to White House insiders, the makeover includes: Solid gold desk – Reinforced to withstand “fake news attacks” and occasional Big Mac spills. Gold-leaf walls – Said to “reflect the glory of American greatness” and also, reportedly, Trump’s hairline at a perfect angle. Gold-plated phone – Directly connected to Fox News, Mar-a-Lago, and an emergency spray tan technician. New carpet – Spun from golden thread by “the finest people,” although Melania allegedly complaine...

By The Fox News Investigative Panic Desk Washington, D.C. – America is under siege, not from foreign powers, but from its own yoga-stretching, kale-smoothie-drinking citizens. Liberal White Women — the same demographic responsible for driving Subaru sales through the roof — have taken their war on tradition to unprecedented levels. A Nation Under Chai Latte Lockdown Everywhere you turn, they’re there: sipping overpriced oat milk concoctions, live-streaming their feelings about “equity” while ignoring the fact they have no children to pass their beliefs on to. Sources say their brunch groups operate as “radicalized social justice sleeper cells,” planning their next campaign between mimosas and avocado toast. The Radical Agenda Their love affair with gay men and transgender women is well-documented. In fact, experts believe this obsession is part of a plot to replace the nuclear family with a brunch-based commune. “They cheer louder at Drag Queen Story Hour than they do for the natio...

By The Department of International Flattery and Alternative Facts The White House was abuzz this week as an unprecedented line of foreign leaders descended upon the Oval Office to personally thank President Donald J. Trump for being, in their words, “the greatest human to ever walk the Earth, possibly including Jesus, but we’re still checking the records.” The event, billed as the Global Gratitude Tour , kicked off with a gilded red carpet stretching from Pennsylvania Avenue to the Resolute Desk. Inside, a rotating buffet of McDonald’s Filet-O-Fish sandwiches and Diet Coke fueled what insiders called “a marathon of mutual admiration unmatched in diplomatic history.” First on the guest list: Vladimir Putin , who embraced Trump with a firm handshake and a wink. “Donald, you’ve done more for Russian-American relations than any president in history,” he said, before presenting him with a commemorative snow globe of Moscow that, when shaken, displays miniature golden towers. Kim Jong U...

The screen fades in. The presidential seal spins, then awkwardly wobbles off frame. Trump appears behind the Resolute Desk, looking unusually somber, a Diet Coke within arm’s reach. Trump: “Hello, America. It’s me, your favorite president—better than Lincoln, better than Washington, the best. And today, I’m here to talk about something very personal. The fake news won’t tell you this, the deep state tried to hide it, but I’m a truth-teller. And the truth is—” dramatic pause “—I have a micro penis. The smallest. People say they’ve never seen one this small. Very unusual. Very special. Like a collector’s item. You’d be lucky to have one like this.” He leans forward, clasping his hands like he’s about to sell America a timeshare. Trump: “It’s affected all areas of my life. Golf? Disaster. Can’t wear certain pants. Once at a rally, the wind blew and—look, we don’t need to get into that. But in my personal life, it’s been a real challenge. Sometimes, when I… let’s say, interacted with ...

By The Department of Irony and Selective Outrage In the latest episode of “Things We’re Outraged About This Week,” conservative truth warriors have uncovered what they call the crime of the century: former President Barack Obama personally manufactured the “Russian hoax” in a secret underground workshop located somewhere between his Martha’s Vineyard wine cellar and his Netflix production office. The purpose? To frame Donald J. Trump as an illegitimate president by suggesting—preposterously—that Russia interfered in the 2016 election. “It was all Obama!” shouted one Fox News panelist, pointing to a blurry photo of a man in a golf shirt as definitive proof. “He just whipped up the whole thing like a pot of Kenyan chili, added some fake dossiers, sprinkled in a few FBI text messages, and boom—instant treason!” According to these patriotic investigators, Obama used his presidential powers to hypnotize the CIA, the FBI, and all 17 U.S. intelligence agencies into publicly agreeing that Russ...

August 9, 2025 | Washington, D.C. In a bold and completely predictable move, President Trump’s Secretary of Energy, former Texas oil lobbyist Buck “Crude” McGraw, announced that the Department of Energy will be “refreshing, realigning, and liberating” climate change reports produced under the Biden administration. “We took a long, hard look at Biden’s so-called ‘National Climate Assessment,’ and frankly, it was depressing, full of doom and gloom, and totally unfair to fossil fuels,” McGraw told reporters while standing in front of a gas pump podium flanked by two shirtless men grilling burgers on a coal-powered BBQ. “Under Trump, we believe in optimism — and drilling.” The new assessment, titled “America: Hot, Free, and Thriving” , will include the following updates: Rising sea levels rebranded as "coastal property expansion opportunities" More frequent wildfires reframed as "natural forest exfoliation events" Record heat waves now considered "patrioti...

August 8, 2025 | Washington, D.C. In a move that has shocked no one and confused several historians, President Donald J. Trump today announced plans to construct a "truly magnificent, world-class, unbelievably luxurious ballroom" on the South Lawn of the White House. "It's going to be the biggest, most elegant ballroom you've ever seen," Trump declared at a press conference held from the Rose Garden, flanked by gold-plated easels displaying artist renderings that bore a suspicious resemblance to Mar-a-Lago. "Frankly, the White House is very nice, very historic — but let’s be honest, folks, it's lacking in pizzazz. Obama left it so boring, you wouldn’t believe." The proposed “Trump National Ballroom of Freedom and Tremendous Patriotism” will reportedly include: Crystal chandeliers modeled after Trump Tower toilets A gold-tiled dance floor that doubles as a Fox News broadcasting set Ivanka-branded “Freedom Couches” made of imported bald e...

August 7, 2025 | Washington, D.C. In the latest entry to what historians are already calling “The Marvel Villain Crossover Administration,” Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr., appointed by President Donald J. Trump during his second term, announced today that all federal funding for mRNA vaccine research will be eliminated — effective immediately. Standing at a press briefing surrounded by Himalayan salt lamps, EMF-protection hats, and at least three barefoot influencers live-streaming on TikTok, RFK Jr. declared: “The American people deserve real health freedom — not injected WiFi signals. We are turning off the RNA mind-control machine and turning on the healing power of raw dairy.” The executive action, blessed by Trump with a thumbs-up emoji on Truth Social (“ RFK is doing FANTASTIC work. mRNA is FAKE NEWS SCIENCE!! ”), has sent shockwaves through the scientific community and delight through Telegram wellness chatrooms across the nation. What the Order ...

By National Nostalgiagraphic, August 2025 Edition WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a shocking display of “reading documents” and “knowing history,” a rogue academic has upended 80 years of red-white-and-blue bedtime stories by suggesting that Japan may have been attempting to surrender before the United States dropped two atomic bombs on its cities in 1945. Dr. Mildred Feynstein, a historian at the University of Common Sense, published a peer-reviewed article this week titled "They Were Literally Sending Peace Feelers: Why Hiroshima May Not Have Been Necessary, But Was Certainly Explosive." Unsurprisingly, Americans across the political spectrum were united in their reaction: “Shut up.” “We Prefer the Explosions, Thanks.” Feynstein’s research, which relied on such radical sources as declassified State Department cables, intercepted Japanese diplomatic messages, and the actual minutes of the U.S. War Cabinet, argues that Japan was actively exploring surrender — with the only sticking po...

Dear Redistrictrix, I'm Gavin, but my friends call me “Slick Gav” (or they would if I had friends left after mandating low-flow showerheads). I’m reaching out with a hypothetical conundrum. You see, I’m the governor of a state that’s so blue we make blueberries look like swing voters. But here's the thing — I’ve been watching what my counterparts in states like Texas and Florida are doing. They’re not just tilting the playing field, they’re repaving it entirely — in red. Gerrymandering like it’s a Jackson Pollock tribute in crimson. Meanwhile, here in California, we’ve been all holier-than-thou with our “independent redistricting commissions” and “fair representation.” Ugh , I know — who thought transparency would be in fashion this long? So here’s my question: Is it finally time for me to embrace the dark arts of redistricting and carve this state up like it’s a gender-neutral Thanksgiving turkey? You know, just a few friendly tweaks to ensure Republicans in California ar...

@RealPatriot1776 🇺🇸 LOCK HIM UP! Obama committed TREASON for the Russia, Russia, Russia Super Hoax! #GitmoForBarack #SmoothieGate @LibtocracyNow Trump groomed an entire generation on Epstein’s island while filing bankruptcy on his morality. #PerpWalk45-47 #MarALockedUp @KarenWithaK_ Fauci created COVID in his garage with Bill Gates and George Soros so he could inject freedom-loving patriots with 5G tracking devices. LOCK. HIM. UP. #GainOfFunctionMyAss @BLM_Antifa_CEO Matt Gaetz trafficked more underage girls than a high school field trip bus. And somehow, he’s still the conservatives' preferred AG. #GaetzOfHell @DeplorableButHoly Joe Biden didn’t sign that bill. His Autopen did. Which means Kamala was president. Which means Satan won. #FakePresident #AutopenGate @TheWokeLeftist Pete Hegseth once hit a woman and a camera with the same swing. That’s talent. Too bad it’s also felony assault. #FoxNewsFists @BenghaziMom69 Hillary Clinton took a breath during Benghazi. Coincid...

HILLBILLY HILLS, WEST VIRGINIA — In a desperate attempt to educate the sheeple, local MAGA supporter and self-declared constitutional expert Jeb “LibertyFist1776” Rawlins has finally unveiled what exactly the Deep State is, how it works, and how it’s personally responsible for everything from rising gas prices to his cousin Daryl's third divorce. “Y’all ain’t ready,” said Jeb, tapping a massive laminated flowchart titled ‘How the Deep State Runs Everything While Eating Babies.’ The chart, a masterpiece of red yarn and coffee stains, featured photos of Hillary Clinton, George Soros, a lizard, and surprisingly, Jennifer Aniston. “It’s all connected, bro.” What Is the Deep State? “The Deep State is like... the government inside the government,” Jeb said, pointing to a diagram of the U.S. Capitol drawn on the back of a Pizza Ranch receipt. “But it ain’t the real government. It’s the secret government. You vote for the fake one. The real one just controls everything from the shadow...

Washington, D.C. — In a bold display of leadership reminiscent of only the finest banana republics, President Donald J. Trump today issued a sweeping presidential decree officially outlawing all statistics, reports, charts, tweets, TikToks, frowns, and bad vibes that fail to glorify his presidency. The decree, titled “The Truth and Nothing But the Trump” , follows the abrupt firing of the Bureau of Labor Statistics (BLS) Director after last Friday’s jobs report showed a slight uptick in unemployment—a number that "smelled like Soros," according to Trump. “Folks, I looked at that report, and it just screamed ‘deep state’” Trump told reporters from the golf cart he now uses as his official motorcade. “That kind of anti-Trump math has no place in America. We’re deporting it.” When asked if he meant deporting people or just numbers , White House Press Secretary Tucker Carlson (now holding dual roles as Press Secretary and National Archivist) clarified: “Any operative—statisti...