Truthliness News

In a shocking display of commitment to free speech, the Federal Communications Commission announced yesterday that it may revoke the broadcasting license of a major television network after a comedian made a joke that bruised the feelings of several Very Important People in Washington. The FCC Commissioner, standing in front of an American flag the size of Rhode Island, declared: “We are a government that treasures free speech. That’s why, if anyone says something we don’t like, we will crush them with the full weight of our regulatory power. It’s called responsible freedom. ” The network in question had aired a late-night monologue in which the comedian suggested that politicians might be more interested in campaign donors than in ordinary citizens. This shocking claim — which was obviously meant as a joke — was immediately classified as “a national security risk.” Free speech advocates pointed out the irony, noting that the same administration has repeatedly claimed to be “the most...

Dear Dr. Satire, Q: Why do babies need four polio shots when there’s no polio anymore? A: Oh, what a shameful question! Don’t you realize how much culture we lost when polio disappeared? Whole hospital wings filled with iron lungs — gone! The sleek chrome cylinders, the rhythmic wheeze like a mechanical lullaby… it was practically a symphony of suffering. And the wheelchairs! Stylish, timeless, and available in every hospital hallway. Now, thanks to vaccines, kids just run around all… healthy. Boring. The reason babies get four polio shots isn’t to protect them — heavens, no! It’s clearly a government conspiracy to rob future generations of that rich “shared cultural experience” of mass paralysis. Imagine: your child will never know the joy of balancing on crutches at recess, or the thrill of being whisked away to a polio ward while doctors shout things like, “Quick, crank the lung!” We do four shots because three just isn’t nostalgic enough. It’s like a tribute band — you need mult...

In the aftermath of Charlie Kirk’s assassination, conservative commentators have reached a bold conclusion: all political violence is the exclusive property of the left. “They own it, trademark pending,” one pundit announced, as if political violence were a line of energy drinks. Selective Memory Loss: A New Patriot’s Disease According to this narrative, the January 6th attack was just a “rowdy Capitol tour,” the Oklahoma City bombing was an “overzealous urban renewal project,” and that guy who mailed pipe bombs to journalists was really just an ambitious Etsy entrepreneur. Meanwhile, if someone wearing skinny jeans throws a can of LaCroix in the general direction of a police cruiser, that becomes Exhibit A in the great liberal conspiracy of violence. Violence Math: Carry the Zero When asked about statistics showing that far-right extremists are responsible for the majority of domestic terrorism in the United States, Kirk’s supporters explained that math is also a liberal plot. “Number...

After years of dismissing America’s intelligence agencies as “the deep state,” “liars,” and “worse than Democrats,” President Trump has finally found a use for them: blowing up Venezuelan narco-terrorists. “This time the CIA got it right,” Trump announced from his golf cart. “They said there were bad hombres in Venezuela, and we took them out. Big win. The best win. Everyone’s talking about it.” From “Hoax” to “Hellfire Missile” It’s a remarkable turnaround. Not long ago, Trump claimed that U.S. intelligence reports about Russian election interference were a “witch hunt” and intelligence briefings were “a waste of my very, very valuable time.” Now? Those same agencies are suddenly “the best in the world, maybe ever,” when they’re handing him targets he can strike with drones. Apparently, nothing restores faith in intelligence like the satisfying sound of a Hellfire missile. Intelligence With a Side of Contradiction Critics point out the hypocrisy: “So, the CIA lies about Russia but tel...

In the latest panic headline for cable news, pundits are abuzz over the alleged “Charlie Kirk assassin,” who, according to reports, managed to attend one whole semester of university before emerging fully programmed as a political Terminator. Never mind the 22 years this young man spent at home with his parents. Apparently, bedtime stories, Sunday sermons, and family dinners can’t compete with the devastating brainwashing power of Intro to Sociology and a couple of vegan burritos at the student union. The Magical Semester According to critics, universities now function less like centers of learning and more like Hogwarts for political radicalization. The Sorting Hat doesn’t assign you a dormitory; it assigns you a Twitter rage cycle. One minute you’re nervously picking electives, the next you’re calculating how to overthrow the republic between midterms and finals. “College is clearly too dangerous,” said one think-tank analyst. “We send our children there to learn accounting, but the...

Instead of my daily satirical article poking fun at American politics, I am writing a serious commentary on the awful state of American political discourse. In American politics today, the loudest voices are not the ones offering solutions but the ones slinging insults. Liberals call MAGA supporters and Donald Trump “Nazis.” Conservatives respond by branding liberals “communists.” These words are not mere rhetorical flourishes—they are weapons. They are designed to delegitimize, dehumanize, and inflame. What is lost in this exchange is any sense of genuine dialogue. We are no longer trying to persuade one another; we are trying to destroy one another. Social media algorithms amplify the loudest and most extreme accusations, rewarding outlandish claims over reasoned debate. Politicians and commentators then feed that cycle, knowing it energizes their bases. But it comes at a cost to our democracy. The consequences are not abstract. They are tragic and real. The assassination of conserva...

In today’s edition of America’s Dumbest Debates , the timeline erupted after a self-styled conservative influencer, @PatriotEagle1776, declared: “FACT: Most homicides happen in Democrat-run cities. Stop voting blue if you want to stop seeing red (blood)!” The post, written in all caps and accompanied by an image of a crying bald eagle, quickly racked up likes among the usual crowd of flag-waving accounts with usernames suspiciously similar to bot factories. The Liberal Clapback Within minutes, a liberal user, @CoastalElite420, fired back: “LOL. Mississippi, Louisiana, Alabama, Missouri, Tennessee—highest murder rates in the nation, all red states. Your math skills are as bad as your memes.” To drive the point home, @CoastalElite420 attached a bar graph labeled “States Where the NRA is Basically the PTA.” Enter Trump, Stage Tweet Sensing a ratings opportunity, President Trump jumped into the fray with his trademark digital subtlety: “Crime is OUT OF CONTROL in Chicago, the most dan...

This week, our team embarked on a hard-hitting investigation into a claim that has swept certain corners of Facebook, Telegram, and one man’s garage in rural Idaho: vaccines in the West are not about public health, but a covert plan to “erase white people and end Western civilization.” At first glance, the claim seemed absurd. After all, vaccines have historically been used to stop polio, measles, and other deadly diseases. But according to internet “researchers” — which in this context means people who type Bill Gates infertility into YouTube at 3 a.m. — it’s all part of a grand scheme. We tracked down a leading voice in the movement, “PatriotEagle1776,” whose credentials include a GED, three divorces, and a collection of limited-edition Monster Energy cans. “It’s obvious,” he told us, wearing mirrored sunglasses indoors. “The government puts woke juice in the shots. That’s why my cousin’s hair looks different now. He used to be blonde. Now it’s kind of… brownish. Coincidence? I don’...

Washington, D.C. — In a press conference that began with a pledge to “restore common sense” and ended with a rambling critique of pigeons outside the White House, President Donald J. Trump explained why he wants to rename the Department of Defense the Department of War . “I’ve always said it—peace through strength,” Trump declared, gesturing to a chart that featured clip art of eagles, tanks, and a suspiciously buff Jesus flexing his biceps. “And nothing says peace like the word war . Everybody knows it. It’s the strongest word, much stronger than ‘defense,’ which frankly sounds like something you do with a tennis racket. Sad.” A reporter dared to interrupt the president’s flow, asking, “Sir, if you call yourself the peace president, why not rename it the Department of Peace? Wouldn’t that actually send a stronger message of peace through strength?” Trump smirked, leaned into the microphone, and replied: “Department of Peace? That sounds like yoga class. Very weak. Namaste is not going...

  Letter from a Reader: Dear Aunt Liberty, I am the first president in 150 years not to have a dog. My advisors tell me the voters would like me more — very bigly, the biggest like ever — if I had one. The problem is that in the past I have liked dogs, especially the young ones, a little too much if you know what I mean. I don’t want to get caught with my pants down. One of those nasty journalists might start calling me a pup-a-phile. What should I do? — Dogless in D.C. Aunt Liberty Responds: Dear Dogless, First, congratulations on maintaining a canine-free presidency — a feat not seen since Andrew Johnson, who also lacked a dog and, coincidentally, an impeachment acquittal worth bragging about. Now, to your concern. I understand you want a furry friend to boost your approval ratings. Dogs are loyal, affectionate, and often more coherent in press conferences than their owners. However, your… let’s call it “history of over-enthusiasm” raises a few red flags, not unlike the ...

Conservative pundits this week assured the American public that the grim jobs report—showing sluggish hiring and rising unemployment—was actually good news, proof that their deportation policies are working exactly as intended. “Look, if we kick out illegals, there are fewer people to take jobs,” explained one commentator on Patriot News Now. “So when the jobs disappear, that’s just the economy adjusting. It’s not a failure—it’s supply and demand!” Pressed on why the latest labor statistics showed fewer opportunities for American workers, a Republican lawmaker clarified: “The jobs are out there. They’re just the good kind now—patriotic, hard-to-measure, under-the-table opportunities like mowing your neighbor’s lawn for free or sitting on hold with Comcast for hours instead of someone in another country doing it.” Economists were puzzled by the data, but conservatives had ready explanations: Blame the Deep State: “The Bureau of Labor Statistics is probably run by illegals anyway. You th...

 Washington, D.C. — The Bureau of Labor Statistics (BLS) announced today that it is officially seeking a new commissioner, after August’s jobs report showed fewer gains than expected and promptly cost the current commissioner their job. Ironically, the firing improved the unemployment numbers by exactly one. “The August report was too gloomy,” said one White House insider, clutching a freshly printed résumé. “We simply can’t have a BLS commissioner who insists on reporting statistics. The American people want vibes, not numbers.” According to sources, the outgoing commissioner’s fatal error was pointing out that job growth had slowed in sectors like retail and manufacturing. “We were hoping for something more optimistic,” said another official. “Like, maybe emphasize how fewer layoffs in the llama-grooming industry demonstrate resilience in the gig economy. That sort of creativity.” The Bureau has already posted the vacancy online. Qualifications for the role now include: Abi...

 Washington, D.C. — The Senate floor descended into theological chaos this week after a Democratic senator committed the unpardonable sin of saying out loud that “we get our rights from the law” and that “the United States is based on the rule of law.” Republicans immediately clutched their pearls, their pocket Constitutions, and at least one pocket Bible. “Excuse me?” thundered Senator Cornstarch R-TX. “Our rights are granted by Almighty God, not some bureaucrat with a pen and a law degree! If God didn’t want us carrying AR-15s into Starbucks, He would’ve added an eleventh commandment about it!” Within minutes, conservative media outlets declared that Democrats had officially declared war on the Almighty, promising that “first they came for your gas stoves, now they’re coming for your God-given right to stand your ground in the frozen foods aisle.” Liberals, not to be out-dramatized, fired back on social media: “If rights are granted by God, then who enforces them? Is there a c...

Twitter (or X , if you’re into midlife crises for social media platforms) has finally cracked the case of America’s mass shooting epidemic. Forget guns, forget mental health, forget decades of policy gridlock. The true culprit? Thermometers. According to one very serious thread with 28,000 likes and three graphs made in Microsoft Paint, the number of mass shootings rises with the temperature. “As the Earth gets hotter,” the poster explained, “so does the barrel of an AR-15. And when that barrel heats up, freedom just starts firing itself.” The theory is elegant in its simplicity: Cold weather = mittens. Hard to reload in mittens. Hot weather = sweaty rage. Nothing says “Second Amendment rights” like a 102-degree heat index. Global warming = global shooting. It’s science. Commenters were quick to add supporting evidence: “I wore a hoodie in December and didn’t feel like shooting anyone. Coincidence? I think not.” “Ever notice school shootings dip during winter break? C...

Conservative Twitter — sorry, X — has once again sprung into action to defend their golden calf, Donald J. Trump, from the latest round of rumors. The logic is ironclad, the reasoning bulletproof, and the mental gymnastics worthy of Olympic gold. Step one: If Trump’s name were ever on the Epstein list, we’d already know about it. Because, you see, Joe Biden — who can barely remember which state he’s in — is secretly masterminding a shadow government powerful enough to cover up every crime except the ones conservatives imagine he committed. Clearly, Biden would have released Trump’s name just to own the MAGA crowd, but since he hasn’t, case closed. Step two: If a survivor of Epstein were to say the word “Trump,” then obviously she’s cashing a check. Probably Soros-backed, maybe Pfizer-sponsored, definitely woke-funded. Everyone knows the only way anyone could accuse Trump of wrongdoing is if they were bribed. After all, women have a long history of making things up about him, like… 2...

As Donald Trump’s feed went quiet for a full 48 hours, liberal Twitter entered what experts are calling “ecstatic vigil mode.” Hashtags like #TrumpDeadYet and #WeekendAtMarALago began trending as users speculated on whether silence from their favorite hate-watch account meant he was gravely ill, in jail, or being propped up by golf clubs. Political strategists noted that instead of crafting a coherent plan to counter Trump’s policies, liberal Twitter users seemed united behind a single tactic: “Manifest his death.” One activist explained, “Policy is complicated. Tweeting ‘is he dead yet?’ is much easier. Plus, it gets likes.” “Every time he doesn’t post for a few hours, my hope rises like the Dow Jones under Clinton,” another user confessed. “I light a candle, refresh my feed, and pray for bad cholesterol to finally do the people’s work.” Meanwhile, actual Democratic organizers begged liberals to focus on issues like healthcare, voting rights, and economic policy. Their pleas were drow...

Standing in front of a backdrop of factory workers who were definitely bused in from three states over, Donald Trump announced on Labor Day that no one had done more for the working class than him. “I gave you the biggest, most beautiful tax cuts,” Trump boasted, pausing for applause. “The billionaires got yachts, the millionaires got vacation homes, and you got—well—you got enough for maybe two extra Happy Meals. Tremendous.” Economists have noted that Trump’s “Tax Cuts and Jobs Act” provided a sliver of relief to ordinary workers while shoveling wheelbarrows of cash to billionaires. Trump, however, insisted workers should be grateful. “Look, it’s a lot more than Biden gave you,” he said, grinning. “Under Biden you get… what? Student loan forgiveness? Lower drug prices? Please. Do you know how many yachts Bezos bought because of me? Jobs, folks. Jobs!” Conservative media immediately declared Trump “the blue-collar billionaire,” a phrase that makes as much sense as “the vegan butcher.”...